time...

while awaiting calls from future employers who i must say take a very, very long time to call me back, i'm spending time with my family and friends. and also, not forgetting, myself.

i've used all sources to search out unmarried cousins' contacts. this is made to strenghten our ties. my idea. good isn't it? hahahaa. self-praise lifts up one's esteem and bring down one's morale. i must strive to remember that.

i've talked and discussed many issues with my family members, from teenage issues affecting people my age, to financial and religious issues that affects me as a whole. i must say its been an enriching experience for both the body and soul.

i've read and re-read books which i never notice were actually at home. and i've learnt a lot of stuffs from mum, mostly the household stuff. HEY! it's interesting ok. do you know that you can use the sides of the bread, which people usually cut away, to make some delicious kuih called kuih kukus? and its so easy to make; add coconut milk and sugar and coluring and just steam it! i'm starting to sound like chef wan here. anyway, besides the point, i've learnt about many things in my family and i wouldn't share it to public. its confidential. akunye pasal ah aku nak share ke tak nak, yang kau kepo sangat nak tau asal? tak de kerje lain ke? ok. i was talking to me again. just for the record, there is me, myself and i. me is myselfnye concience. myself is the sensible one and she does everything. don't push it! ok fine and i am the one who controls everybody else's actions. so everyone has a place and sometimes it gets a little crowded.

so now to calm everyone down and to do something which makes everyone happy, i've gone through the effort of moving myself to the library and get me a book to read. look, i used all, me, myself and i in the job to get a new book. cool huh? shut up i. shut up myself. say sorry both of you. now. before me gets angry.

interesting

this is what the horoscope has to say about me. and only i know how true it is.

scorpio:
If you're not in the mood to be social right now, then don't -- it's much more important to keep yourself as content as possible than it is to get along well with others. Besides, you aren't going to tick anyone off by refusing their invitations. Recently, you've had the tendency to sacrifice your free time whenever someone has asked you to, and that has to stop. It's time to say 'no' just because you feel like it. You don't have to have something to do all the time.

get that man. i'm feeling what it says and now i'm gonna find myself a job. ASAP!!

soot+smoke+heat=fun!!

ok so what have siti done these past few days?
leaving no updates what-so-ever.

on sunday, was girls-day-out for me n mummy
went to a religious class, along the way, she bought for me...MILO PENG!! long time never drink already la and under the searing heat of the sun..it was simply heaven. then we went shopping, wanted to buy clothes then i decided that stuff at bugis were cheaper, so we went on a food search instead. wanted to eat at LJS then didn't know where it was as century square was under construction. so we went to Royals to buy me a brownie and lots and lots of puffs for us and the whole family.

on monday, yesterday, was a hell-lot-of fun for me!
I HAD CLASS BBQ AND CHOIR BBQ AT THE SAME TIME!!
so made plans with yusneeta to meet at class chalet then take cab go to choir one together. i was at downtown already when yus sms to say she and the choir comm were already at the choir bbq. i was stunned, then quickly made plans with fraulein to meet at downtown then take cab together. i was lucky fraulein was agreeable. so had some fun at chalet, try to help at building a fire and failed and ate some food before leaving and meeting fraulein. on the way, i bought soya bean ice-cream (my fav) as fraulein said she'll be running late. licked and licked at my ice cream, but ppl at the bus stop were so crude. i quote," she's licking that thing like a pro seh. wonder where she got her skills from." i was angry and gave them a stare they won't soon forget. bloody devil's incarnates. fraulein came at that moment so i was really grateful for the timing and hailed a cab asap.along the way we talked about our plans for this holiday and our future. i think it was durin then that we patched up. didn't really notice it but since then we were talking like last time. i even forgot the reason why we fought and didn't talk for the longest time. like people say, time heals all wounds. but as all wounds, the scar still remain and though we may be like we used to, it will never be the same again. "it's too late to apologise". then we met most of the choir people there, and kuan hon with his antics forever funny and irritating but fun all the same. went home very late, after everyone else had left, sent home by rui shan's dad. made a promise, i'll swear to keep unless fate would have it otherwise. i'll buy the choir concert ticket from you alrite? don't worry.

on tuesday, today.
I WOKE UP AT 12PM PEOPLE!!
guess i was really that tired. at 1230pm, after showers and lunch, my dad, bro n i went to the white sands to borrow some books at the library and go shopping for groceries. along the way, i remembered i was supposed to go back to school and see the choir practice. sms fraulein. she said she's also not going. i wanted to inform one of the choir members, realised i didn't have any of their contact. i felt bad. as fate would have it, i didn't fulfil one of the things i said i would do, again. so shoot me, i'm not perfect. i tried to better the situation and failed. shut up concience! went home quickly and saw hui xin was online so made plans to go class chalet with her. came earlier so that i can help out with the fire again! and like all the times before, i ended up doing nothing but be the one to buy and carry charcoals and fire starters back to the chalet. bo jun, siew yin and hui xin did most of the work while i just stood by and fanned the smoke from the fire building up. at least this time, the fire build up faster thanks to the new charcoals which i bought! so ok. about 15 minutes later everyone started bringing out food and bbqueing it together. night came slowly into the picture and shuhadah and zai wang and the boys from my class came with it. so the boys really did nothing except to eat and entertain cute mr tan and his daughter who came later. i was rather hoping that more teachers would come but again i was disappointed. nevertheless, i had fun. and that was all that matters.

so went home bout 1030, earlier then yest, which was at 1130. then got lectured by mum about going out and returning at such late hours, which was really inappropriate for a girl and also the pet talk about how i should really take care of my prayer timings. fine, i deserve it. knew it was coming anyway after all these time when i keep going out for all the poly camps and the outings to meet up with friends and huda and all that. i'm repentant. i'm truly sorry Allah for forgetting you at times and i would do my best to make up for it and not to repeat it again. i knew i was wrong and i truly regret all my actions. please forgive me Allah and know that i will always love you, no matter what i do.

chitty-chitty bang,bang

It's saying Chitty chitty, chitty chitty, chitty chitty, chitty chitty, chitty chitty,
(Bang - Bang)
Bang Bang!
Chitty Bang Bang Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
Chitty Bang Bang Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
Chitty Bang Bang Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
Oh you pretty Chitty Bang Bang,Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
We love you.
And, in
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
What we'll do.
Near, far, in our motor car
Oh what a happy time we'll spend.
Bang Bang Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
Our fine four fendered friend.
Bang Bang Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
Our fine four fendered friend.
Chitty Bang BangChitty Chitty Bang Bang
Chitty Bang BangChitty Chitty Bang Bang
Chitty Bang BangChitty Chitty Bang Bang
Oh you pretty Chitty Bang Bang
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
We love you.
And, in
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
What we'll do.
Near, far, in our motor car
Oh what a happy time we'll spend.
Bang Bang Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
Our fine four fendered friend.
Bang Bang Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
Our fine four fendered friend.
Your sleek as a thoroughbred.
Your seats are a feather bed.
You'll turn everybody's head today.
We'll glide on our motor trip
With pride in our ownership
The envy of all we survey.
Oh Chitty You Chitty
Pretty Chitty Bang Bang
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
We love you.
And Chitty, in ChittyPretty Chitty Bang Bang
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang what we'll do.
Near Chitty, far Chitty, in our motor car Oh what a happy time we'll spend.
Bang Bang Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
Our fine four fendered friend.
Bang Bang Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
Our fine four fendered friend.....(hold)
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
Fine four fendered Chitty Chitty friend!!

the song is stuck in my head
so, kill me. i'm in love with the musical
thankies alot to wak jo n cik intan who belanjed me the $52 tixs. U're the best!!
and nakiah, for the wonderful time. we bonded. thank god.
and kak norlin, for leading the way, i'll be lost without you. literally.
and HUDA!!!!, i love you ok? your troubles are mine and i'll help you carry the burden alrite dear? we had so little time together. i'm sad. but glad there'd be a next time:) can't wait to see you again!!

Together we're a chu-chi woo-chi, ooo-chi coo-chi
Chu-chi, Woo-chi, Ooo-chi, Coo-chi pair!! (yay! to all the casts of chitty-chitty bang bang!)

eye-opener

tprawks is still the bestlah...
maybe i'm biased due to the travel distance and time
RedCamp at ngee ann poly was good due to these reasons:

1. FOOD WAS SUPER-DUPER-SUMO GOOD! (they served us with KFC, Pizza Hut, buffet dinner, BREEKS and RAMEN TEN!!! now what could best that huh?)
2. The SLs are HORNY PEOPLE!! (don't think dirty alrite. we are the vikings. i'm sure that explains a lot.)
3. The claps and cheers are funny and lame! i like...hahaahahah
4. People don't have to walk from one school to the other within the campus itself. as pampered brats for the 3 days, we had shuttle buses bringing us around the school. even if the distances weren't all that far. heheehe!!
5. we had funny people in the group. special mention of Jamal, u're hilarious man. get a job.
6. they had ZOUK OUT! on the last day, with bands, percussions and djs in da house!!

ok. that's all. i wished i had more to say. but these are good enough. as there are also bad memories of that place and not mentioning the few number of enemies i made there, i think the list was enough to summarise my disappearance for these days. btw, np's redcamp ends late everyday and with the 1 hour long journey(not including bus rides), i reach home real night. i'd be too tired to even watch tv. that being as it was, i'm writing the negative side of the event:

1. the structure of the event was disorganised
2. there was no ushers along the way and many were lost at many a times
3. the people there did not socialise. i don't think its because they are anti-social. the time to socialise just never seemed right, plus, there was no effort done by the PLs to get us together. its all diy and there was no time to make friends. not good.
4. only good-looking people are noticed. i'm not complaning. its true. but that's life isn't it?
5. during ZOUK OUT! security was not tight. and it's open to the public. not a move you want to make if you want the red campers to feel comfortable and safe while having fun. the "guests" were making out right in front of us man and there were kids below 10 yrs old there too making a havoc in the place. i mean, WT~.
6. i didn't like 1 person there and suddenly i was the most outcasted person. luckily, friends stood beside me and i'm glad to have known you guys. thank you.
7. i missed so many shows. including the the 1st episode of season 2 supernatural and the last episode of season 1 supernatural..AGAIN!!! damn it.

i realised after tprawks and red camp, i don't really like partying and dancing it midst of so many people. so i guess, no more rock concerts and clubbing for me. i'm going to be a good muslimah from now on ok? i strive to be, everyday, and everyday i learn more.

on the 20th was prom night. heard it was good. fine. i didn't go and i am sad. enough already. i'm gonna be like Huda already. i'm going to hate proms from now on. hmph*

i still don't understand how to put up blogskins. thank you heda alot alot and alif too. but i still don't get it. everything seems to be missing when you change a blogskin. so now, i'm not gonna care,ok? *one angry clap, *clap, NOT HAPPY COME!!

today is gonna be gereks lah, i'm going to the musical CHITTY-CHITTY BANG BANG!! wohooooo! it's my favourite musical since young as there's so much fun and excitement in the show. try watching it. not all musicals are choir-opera type. High school musical is one example.

and Huda's having open house today. so tonight, i'm gonna die of exhaustion and fun. so be jealous bored people. i'm living a life of a 16-yr-old to the CORE!! woots! wootza!!

mondays...

it's monday.

there are a few reasons that makes this monday special:

1) its the first monday i'm able to wake up at 11
2) its the first monday i don't have to wake up thinking about what time the o's will start
3) its the first monday when i've woken up with nothing in mind of what to do other than slacking and prayers
4) its the first monday i've woken up as a 16-year-old
5) its the first monday i felt bad waking up to coz i just wanted to continue sleeping

i'm still going to be emo these few days and continue posting up my works. and hadi suggested i translate some of the malay writings. i'll see how it goes. cause sometimes in the process of translation, the meanings behind the works gets lost. so, as i said, i'll see how it goes. and btw, i may not be online tomorrow, as i'll be going to johor to shop or be going job hunting and window-shopping in town. we'll see how it goes.

"only time will heal all wounds," they say.
"they don't know the true feelings of getting rejected time and time again. its like getting stitches for a wound and it keeps re-opening, without the wounds getting healed," i reply.
"well, maybe, the wounds aren't really there."
"i can lie about many things, even about my very existance; but i'll never lie about getting hurt."

karyaku

Kesan dari Kekasih

ku lafazkan kata cintaku padamu
ku menyayangimu setulus hatiku
ku mendampingimu agar kau tahu
ku ikhlas memberi kasihku padamu

jangan kau pergi meninggalkanku sepi
tanpa dirimu aku keseorangan lagi
aku mendambakan kasih sayangmu kini
tanpaku sedari kau hilang aku sendiri

kau merupakan segalanya bagiku
kehadiranmu membawa syurga bagiku
namun kau pergi hilang meninggalkanku
aku sendirian tanpamu sedih dan pilu

jangan kau cuba dekati diriku lagi
hati yang tersiat baruku jahit kembali
kau telah membawa luka yang kekal abadi
jiwa ragaku kini berparut kesan dari kekasih

Pergimu ketenanganku

kekecohan memecahkan sunyi
diriku menggigil dalam api
kebahangan diri ditinggalkan pergi
diriku pilu dalam badan sepi
ku dimamah kepahitan ngeri

mengapaku berteman namun sendiri
kekecohan malam membawakan mimpi
mengalu-alukan kedatangan diri ini
ku tenang tanpa kau disisi
ku senyum kini kerana kau tiada lagi

lupakan sahaja driku yang hina
mudahnya untuk diriku dicerca
aku terseksa
kepedihannya bak beribu jarum menusuk jiwa
kau melilitkanku di dalam nista
kini kau tiada aku gembira

permainan minda merosakkan rasa
permainan hati menodai hati murni
permainan mata mengikis kesucian cinta
permainan jiwa menjatuhkan kebenaran yang sedia ada

mengapa hati merana dek kepalsuan cinta
mengapa hati merasa jiwa yang terluka
mengapa hati berat menerima hakikat hidup penuh panaroba

Kamu

kehadiranmu sayang
menghidupkan kembali hatiku yang gersang
adanya dirimu di sampingku
membuat jiwa mudaku ingin bermain kembali

kehidupan yang telah lama terkubur
mendambakan gerimis kasih sayangmu
tanpa ragu, tanpa perlu
kau menambat hatiku yang satu
kau menjadi kunci pintu kebahagianku
kau menjadi satu-satunya yang bertahta dalam hidupku

percayalah kata-kataku sayang
kanku sayangimu selalu
kanku hargaimu bak permata diraja
kanku cintaimu bak labah-labah mencintai telurnya

kanku pastikan
kepercayaan antara kita
tidak goyah dek angin siulan mereka yang cemburu
kanku pastikan
kita akan selalu bersama
dengan cinta suci kita bersama

Cinta kita

ku tak pernah tahu erti cinta
apa maknanya jatuh tanpa luka
kini segalanya telah berubah
ku hilang arah secara tiba-tiba

ku tak pernah minta kasih sayang untuk diri ini
kernaku tahuku tak pantas dikasihi
namun hidupku kini kau penuhi
dengan kasih sayang tulus dari hati

sayang... ku perlukanmu dalam hidupku
sayang... ku tak ingin berpisah darimu
sayang... agar doaku terkabul jua
Allah... restui kasih kita berdua

my works

Gone and in pain

soul-shattered, ripped and tattered
my heart is broken in words unspoken
Life brings no more thrill
in the roundabout motion of Allah's wheel

sadness-consumed; leave me to feel
what life offers is everything but nil
bring me back my life, my kill
not then leave me be, give me time to heal

Tinted pearl of love

i know nothing when infatuated
i thought everything when you reacted
yet when you leave, life contracted
leaving me bleeding, raging with hatred

why you act as if we connected
why you leave left me waited
why you open gesturing i entered
why you turn drive me rapted

with desperation i fled my world
with my spirit and soul i searched the pearl
the one you took when you went away
the one i'm searching for till today
the one keeping my senses at bay
the one i need to survive another

My hurts

a crying for help from deep within
to escape a life, a penitentiary
waiting for a life of new begins
pseudo-fate of a day of wanton misery

prevaricate the silence of dark
wishing for a light shining star
discordant with my stoical mark
hinerant of immortal utopia

faith guides through querulous span
staid my soul in rustic nature
having one life wishing it to end
waiting for delight in forever rapture

i snivelled, i bawled, i blubbered and roared
yet nobody answered though i cried out loud
i'm alone in darkness i know naught
my soul is shattered, my light is out

Give way

how dare you leave me
without a smile
without goodbye

how can breathe again
knowing your reminiscence haunts me
knowing your inevitable absence kills me

i'm stuck forever in silent anguish
my dignity scarred, my essence marred
my trust hammered, my love derided

can't you see now so clearly
i'm aching for you from deep within
occupied and oblivious to my feelings
your ignorance leave me in pain so slicing

leave me now never return
as my heart had already been left to burn

Nothing waits

torn between the reality and the misery
i immense myself in Life's irony
loving and hating is never easy
sometimes it hurts, sometimes it remedies

gather up hopes to continue living
overcoming the pain forever hurting
my remeniscence alive, forever bugging
my future life is disturbed with it chasing

the past has already happened
i must forget and stop turning back
all that had been could never return
for future is forward and i cannot lag

time is moving never waiting
for wounds to heal, for souls aching
as life is mobile, alive and kicking
i must continue this journey, live on enduring

Sweet love

i had never seen utopia
i had never felt bliss
i had never wanted heaven
until you came

you changed my world
now i can never know anything else
other than your hug
other than your kiss
other than your love

your love is like the river
it never stops flowing
i never realised till yesterday
how important you are to me

im like the daisy growing at the bank of your river
without your presence
i will wither
no more alive
dead and lifeless

now i realised i need you everyday
my life is nothing without your love

one that seem difficult to imagine
one that is not possible to live
one that is unbearable to leave

Yourself

I'm in desperate need of something
Yet i am not able to point it out
But when i'm around you
The need of that something disappears
The want of anything else vanish
What is it that you possess?
Why am i like this?

Show me what you are giving me
Cause i'm now blinded by something each time you look at me
Cause i'm now in a world i'm not able to explain
Cause I'm now lost in a world you abandon

Show me what your presence bring
Show me your love...

My love

i feel so lost, so cold
without you my world is empty
without you i feel no life beating in me
without you the beauty in me is all gone
my world now no more round

the perfect crystals of dreams
are now just broken pieces of glass
pieces created as you left
pieces created as you turn away

when you are gone
i'm no more special
as i'm created for you
and i lose reason to live when you're no more here

when you are gone
my world is empty, without company
my beauty is gone without a sound
my life has turned into something baneful

i miss your love
i miss your care
i miss your laughters and smiles
which gave me cause to pull through another day

i miss your hugs
i miss your sweet kisses
i miss your gentle endearments which showered me
with life
with love
with happiness
i wan to be with you forever
yet my insecurities had pushed you away
yet my immaturity had killed my own life
yet my doubts of your love had crushed our circle of trust

when i finally break through
i'll turn to you
i'll want you back

however, you were so cold
like you hated the very sight of me
but i knew hatred too well to know you still love me

please come back to me my darling, my life, my soul
i'll give anything to be with you again
just to feel your love and happiness again
just to feel alive again
cause you are my Life

today is poetry day

my glasses broke yestereve
hence, due to my blindness for the day, i'll spend most of my time here.
Instead of going to the Creative warehouse sale and searching for a job at town.

this is a random post, to those who wants to know about my life updates.
i don't really want to write this, but since this is what blogging is all about, well, why not?

i prefer to express my feelings in poetic writings.
DON'T ask me WHY i LOVE poetry.
its just my way of expression.
try and understand me.
i know its not easy.
even i sometimes don't understand what i have written.
however, there is one thing you should know about it.

my words are true coming from the very soul of my life
my thoughts and feelings rule my head instead
my eyes would not be able to tell my life story
the way my words express the very want and cry of my heart

happy,sad,angry,confused

i've not blogged for days.
that's a long time.
feels like years.
so much had occured in this time frame.

1) Completed O'levels
2) Went to TPRawks!! (for 3 days~everyday ended late, it explains everything)
3) Enjoyed an exciting, exhilarating and enriching time with the BEST PLs in the world (edrick,lou and ah yeong-u rock!!)
4) Had another painful and unfruitful crush (he's damn cute but he's popular and doesn't notice i'm there)
5) Had a bashing and wet birthday
6) Had the sweeeeetest 16 ever (i laughed so hard and got the most wonderful birthday wishes from every loved one!-thank you from the bottom of my gratified heart)
7) Had a sorrowful goodbye from TP (besides the fact tt i missed more than half of the jamnhop, the person i liked still doesn't know i exist)
8) Cried without reason while praying
9) Had a wonderful time with Huda and Kak Norls
10) I find though i'm 16, i still find it hard to handle crushes (damn the emo hormones)

I want to blog about many things. This is just a summary of life for now. Tomorrow and next week will be packed with activities too. I'll have a lot to write about. And i'm gonna post a lot of my poetry works. So my fans, wait for it alright:))

the END is here

finally, the stressful o's is over
not that it made any impact on me
i was enjoying it
lived every single second of it

i am in pain today
everything aches
my neck, my back, my head,my legs
and i can't do anything about it

went to Pak Long's house
swear he's one of the main contributer to global warming
he smoked 5 cigarettes in 2 hours, while watching tv, in front of me

i'm prejudiced against smokers, alcoholics and drug-addicts
so shoot me, they are killing themselves
and as i said, Allah sent people who kill themselves to hell and back again
for millions of years, not that i'm saying Allah is bad
THEY DESERVE IT!

and since we're on the topic
every sign of the world's end that is stated in the Quran has appeared except for a few
here's to name some

• Women are dressed like men and vice versa
• Men are starting to forget the existance of Allah
• Women are dressed like how they were in cave-years
• Everythings changing to become like yesteryears
• So many moons and stars are clashing in the universe
• Solar eclipse and the moon eclipse occured in the same year(which is impossible)
• The holy words in the Quran are disappearing(i think it happened in the middle-east)
• The sun is appearing from the west in some countries(so scary)
• Many lives are killed and people don't even notice it

So, be scared people, as the end is near and every being other than the human race is in fear.

all in a day's work

exhausted...but sleep doesn't come to me
tired...but my eyes wouldn't seem to shut
fatigued...but i can't shake off this jittery, fluttery feeling

wonder why...
curious.

wonder why i feel this way
wonder why i feel better when i give instead of receive
wonder why i feel bitter at watching a couple loving each other
wonder why i feel desire to learn more about overcoming my fear

its a beautiful feeling, like a fairytale from my daydreaming
its a bedevilling feeling, like a world no more its being

don't ask me why
i'm wasting precious time

i'm exhausted from running a race only i can see
i'm tired of living a lie i can't break free
i'm fatigued in my want to have a better half... a better me

truly, just let me be
i'm not absented from Life's pain just because i'm a professional in the art of Masks
i'm not a person whom you think i am
i know you have found me in the most deceitful lie
and i cannot tell you otherwise but believe this one lie i tell you now

i love what you have given to me...so preciously, so freely
even if what you have given me breaks a heart i didn't know i possess
i love what you have taught me...so sincerely, so earnestly
even if i know you didn't thought of giving me a lesson in life that i would remember

forever...
forever...
forever..

its almost done

wierd how fast time past when we don't take notice of it
except, of course, during the examination itself

i had gone through very bad times with some of the papers
and special surprises with others
i'm not mentioning which papers got my nerves hot and boiling and which soothes the throat
cause it is said to be bad luck or something like that
not that i'm a believer in all things "blacknbad"
however, i do believe in Allah's power
so now all i'd do is pray hard
and may Allah give me what is best for myself and my future
for Allah knows everything
and i'll leave it in his powers
to help me through my desperate cries for help.

i'm going out tomorrow
to celebrate my success of having gone through social studies and bio on the same day
so, be jealous...
i don't care what you feel

I DESERVE THIS!