sometimes, in the dead of the night i cry.

cry cos of the life i'm choosing. cry cos my grandma is lonely and it reminds me of me. cry cos i'm tired of being who i've become, the person who everyone depends on. who am i going to depend on? i don't think i'm able to. sometimes, i just feel like dropping everything, see how the world function without me once in a while. see if i'm missed. see if i had actually made an impact in anyone's life. cos honestly, after being the "slave", i think i deserve some slack. i deserve to be acknowledged. i deserve to be treated like the captain. cos god only noe even the captain depend on me. but no. tts not gonna happen. at least not in this lifetime. oh god, sesungguhnya aku lakukan ini semue kerana mu ya allah. niat ku hanya untuk menempah tempat di syurga mu. aku mohon ya allah. give me the strength to pull through, even if its gonna be without feeling, without anything in for me. give the power to hold myself up while striving to push everyone on top too. sesungguhnya diriku solehah ya allah.

i don't know if you've noticed, but i'm usually very lonely.

i know its because most of my friends are busy and not around. i understand. it's because i do i'm here now.

and i don't have the cliques or bffs to hang around with. not like most. i noe. i'm sad like that. but its the few who's around tt have had my respect pinning for them. its because of them, i continue, pushing. its because of them, i have the will to pull another day thru. cos i noe, ill see them, and my world is brighter. i noe wif them, they noe, they understand, who i am. who ill always be.

i would sometimes think of the other alternatives, where i won't be happy nor sad. where there'll be constant stress to exceed what i have. and i'm glad. bersyukur YA ALLAH. this is my place. there's a purpose for me. no matter tt no one noe my function, i noe the reason im here. i noe ive helped. tts enough for me. tts all i ever wanted. at least i noe, ive kept myself intact, if not stronger. im perfect being who i am. && for that, i glad this is my life. no matter the hardships, i noe at the end of the day, im content. i'd die being tt happy person. thank god.

hurts

sometimes, there's this thing which constantly gnaws at you, but u're afraid to kill it fearing it'll come back to haunt you, cos u noe u arent perfect urself.

what am i talking about? the fact i can't stand any of my friends sinning and im not doing anything about it. cos im not fearless.

i hate it. being the by-stander of khalwat. yeah sure, ur not fucking in front of me, but the stuffs u do, equates to whatever. and u noe wats the worst part, ur supposed to be the religious ones but u dont even see the fucking huge iblis by ur side. so go, have fun. don't ask when u dont get the joke.

noe what else i despise? hypocrites and lazy assholes. i can take stupid jerks but lazy assholes? they just throw the whole load of blame on u after leaving everything that has to be done on ur fucking head. u tink only u got life is it? ye lah... sape lah siti kan. she's nothing. maybe its about time i leave everything on ur fucking small dick and see how u handle it. u can fucking sweet talk ur way out of a messy situation cos uve got humor as ur 2nd skin but seriously, what the fuck makes u tink i'll EVER treat u with a fucking respect when uve done NOTHING to deserve it. ur a fucking lazy asshole. even ur motherfuckers cant help u. cos u dont see the problem. u dont see the reason why so many are giving up. not on us. but on u. cos ur not doing a fucking thing, to even SEE there's a problem. ur not lifting a fucking finger to help out. all u noe, is hide behind some bitch. and when u cant do that, u find another. im not ur motherfucking bitch asshole. get a fucking life. and the faster u see im not ur ordinary, yes, boss, sure i'll help u bitch, the faster ull see ur NOT the boss arnd. unless ur fucking blind or maybe ur 4 eyebrows arent helping u see, this fucking grp isnt moving. we get something, it ripped away frm us. cos uve decided to suck some arse's ball. since ur on such gd terms right, so much so he can just skip the fact u didnt answer his qns abt the "brilliant ideas" ur supposed to have, why not, run the whole grp urself. ur THAT capable rite. surely this things, "perkare kecik je kan...takyah nangis". BUTO.

i hate being treated like a joke. cos ppl dont noe what ive done. cos i dont pride myself to tell the whole world the sacrifices ive gone thru to make this a nicer place for others. and what do i get in return? people taking adv of it. "oh, kau rase ni senang kan, kau buat ah," BABI. fuck off. i had to LEARN THRU THE HARD WAY. tts why is fucking easy now. for u, ull forever be ignorant. and guess wat, in the end, i tink u deserve every bit of ur life now. not cos i tink uve suffered in the past to be enjoying ur "fruits of labour" now, but cos u suck frm last time till now and only i see it and u deserve ur life now cos ur collecting dose. dose which uve made out for urself. dose which u deserve. sure, i'll always pray to god to open ur motherfucking mini eyes but for now, u deserve being sent to hell. fucking jerk.