value of time

so fine, i read this somewhere and it kinda stuck to me now.

Punctuality is an obligation of a non-existent society....
so who's to blame if i'm still procrastinating right?
who's to blame if i just can't make myself be a little bit more time-conscious
who's to blame when i look at myself and see someone else staring back

i've been hit hard by what miss khit said during ideation lesson last week.
altho i know she was commenting on my works instead of me, it still had that *hit the head hard impact you know? super pain. cos only it hurt so bad. she said, "you are all over the place...you must find back your starting point, think of what you want, and make what you want out of it....right now you're working backwards, having so much ideas and creations, but you dunno which one you want"

it made me silent for a full 5 seconds as i digest in her words into my life these few weeks. i've been "running around" as what my CP, mr chan said, "i don't see that you're putting in any effort into your work...everytime i see you, you're busy with some other activity..."

is it my fault im in all of these problems right now?
i have no friends i can depend on to ask for notes from, cos i skipped lectures and a few tuts i didn't bother doing cos i tot i was smart. well look who's crying and begging for notes now.
i've never been angrier at myself than now. i feel like turning back time, pushed myself out of bed and slap me hard for not doing the stuff that i should have. now im gonna flung accounts again and mr chan's impression of me will continue to degrade until im just another typical stupid and lazy malays who dont do anything to improve their life despite them being in the slumps already. you noe what he thinks of me? he thinks im just fooling around, not bothering to do tut girl, skipping every 9am lecture and emo cum loner kid. cos honestly, in class, im lost. the people whom i tot i could ask for help from, my groupmates, they dont even print the notes. and those who do are always too busy to help "smarty pants siti" out.

i feel like breaking down. i tot i could just live this life of mine, no one would bother me with all these small problems like doing tuts and coming early. apparently im dumb and stupid. apparently reality isnt as sweet as the picture i painted of it. apparently, those whom i tot would slack and not do work with me are actually doing them and i am not even allowed to talk to them straight for fear that i'll be seen with them and everyone will start talking again; like wt....

so fine, right now i'll just struggle with what little stuff i have and pray that Allah will be fair. afterall, Allah's the only one who can help me. and since Allah has put me in this situation, there'll be a way out. one way or another. worst come to worst, i'll just be buried in the ground and be food to earthworms. dun forget pray for me when im dead. i need it for my akhirat. thanks.