my exact feelings. thanks to elinur for the email:)

The tribute to the nice girls.
By Jessica Leigh Griffith

This is my tribute to the nice girls. To the nice girls who are overlooked, who become friends and nothing more, who spend hours fixating upon their looks and their personalities and their actions because it must be they that are doing something wrong. This is for the girls who don’t give it up on the first date, who don’t want to play mind games, who provide a comforting hug and a supportive audience for a story they’ve heard a thousand times. This is for the girls who understand that they aren’t perfect and that the guys they’re interested in aren’t either, for the girls who flirt and laugh and worry and obsess over the slightest glance, whisper, touch, because somehow they are able to keep alive that hope that maybe… maybe this time he’ll have understood. This is an homage to the girls who laugh loud and often, who are comfortable in skirts and sweats and combat boots, who care more than they should for guys who don’t deserve their attention. This is for those girls who have been in the trenches, who have watched other girls time and time again fake up and make up and fuck up the guys in their lives without saying a word. This is for the girls who have been there from the beginning and have heard the trite words of advice, from “there are plenty of fish in the sea,” to “time heals all wounds.” This is to honor those girls who know that guys are just as scared as they are, who know that they deserve better, who are seeking to find it.

This is for the girls who have never been in love, but know that it’s an experience that they don’t want to miss out on. For the girls who have sought a night with friends and been greeted by a night of catcalling, rude comments and explicit invitations that they’d rather not have experienced. This is for the girls who have spent their weekends sitting on the sidelines of a beer pong tournament or a case race, or playing Florence Nightingale for a vomiting guy friend or a comatose crush, who have received a drunk phone call just before dawn from someone who doesn’t care enough to invite them over but is still willing to pass out in their bed. This is for the girls who have left sad song lyrics in their away messages, who have tried to make someone understand through a subliminally appealing profile, who have time and time again dropped their male friend hint after hint after hint only to watch him chase after the first blonde girl in a skirt. This is for the girls who have been told that they’re too good or too smart or too pretty, who have been given compliments as a way of breaking off a relationship, who have ever been told they are only wanted as a friend.

This one’s for the girls who you can take home to mom, but won’t because it’s easier to sleep with a whore than foster a relationship; this is for the girls who have been led on by words and kisses and touches, all of which were either only true for the moment, or never real to begin with. This is for the girls who have allowed a guy into their head and heart and bed, only to discover that he’s just not ready, he’s just not over her, he’s just not looking to be tied down; this is for the girls who believe the excuses because it’s easier to believe that it’s not that they don’t want you, it’s that they don’t want anyone. This is for the girls who have had their hearts broken and their hopes dashed by someone too cavalier to have cared in the first place; this is for the nights spent dissecting every word and syllable and inflection in his speech, for the nights when you’ve returned home alone, for the nights when you’ve seen from across the room him leaning a little too close, or standing a little too near, or talking a little too softly for the girl he’s with to be a random hookup. This is for the girls who have endured party after party in his presence, finally having realized that it wasn’t that he didn’t want a relationship: it was that he didn’t want you. I honor you for the night his dog died or his grandmother died or his little brother crashed his car and you held him, thinking that if you only comforted him just right, or said the right words, or rubbed his back in the right way then perhaps he’d realize what it was that he already had. This is for the night you realized that it would never happen, and the sunrise you saw the next morning after failing to sleep=(

This is for the “I really like you, so let’s still be friends” comment after you read more into a situation than he ever intended; this is for never realizing that when you choose friends, you seldom choose those which make you cry yourself to sleep. This is for the hugs you’ve received from your female friends, for the nights they’ve reassured you that you are beautiful and intelligent and amazing and loyal and truly worthy of a great guy; this is for the despair you all felt as you sat in the aftermath of your tears, knowing that that night the only companionship you’d have was with a pillow and your teddy bear. This is for the girls who have been used and abused, who have endured what he was giving because at least he was giving something; this is for the stupidity of the nights we’ve believed that something was better than nothing, though his something was nothing we’d have ever wanted. This is for the girls who have been satisfied with too little and who have learned never to expect anything more: for the girls who don’t think that they deserve more, because they’ve been conditioned for so long to accept the scraps thrown to them by guys.

This is what I don’t understand. Men sit and question and whine that girls are only attracted to the mean guys, the guys who berate them and belittle them and don’t appreciate them and don’t want them; who use them for sex and think of little else than where their next conquest will be made. Men complain that they never meet nice girls, girls who are genuinely interested and compelling, who are intelligent and sweet and smart and beautiful; men despair that no good women want to share in their lives, that girls play mind games, that girls love to keep them hanging. Yet, men, I ask you: were you to meet one of these genuinely interested, thrillingly compelling, interesting and intelligent and sweet and beautiful and smart girls, were you to give her your number and wait for her to call… and if you were to receive a call from her the next day and she, in her truthful, loyal, intelligent and straightforward nice girl fashion, were to tell you that she finds you intriguing and attractive and interesting and worth her time and perhaps material from which she could fashion a boyfriend, would you or would you not immediately call your friends to tell them of the “stalker chick” you’d met the night prior, who called you and wore her heart on her sleeve and told the truth? And would you, or would you not, refuse to make plans with her, speak with her, see her again, and once again return to the bar or club or party scene and search once more for this “nice girl” who you just cannot seem to find?

Because therein lies the truth, guys: we nice girls are everywhere. But you’re not looking for a nice girl. You’re not looking for someone genuinely interested in your intramural basketball game, or your anatomy midterm grade, or that argument you keep having with your father; you’re looking for a quick fix, a night when you can pretend to have a connection with another human being which is just as disposable as the condom you were using during it. So don’t say you’re on the lookout for nice girls, guys, when you pass us up on every step you take. Sometimes we go undercover; sometimes we go in disguise: sometimes when that girl in the low cut shirt or the too tight miniskirt won’t answer your catcalls, sometimes you’re looking at a nice girl in whore’s clothing - -we might say we like the attention, we might blush and giggle and turn back to our friends, but we’re all thinking the same thing: “This isn’t me. Tomorrow morning, I’ll be wearing a t-shirt and flannel shorts, I’ll have slept alone and I’ll be making my hungover best friend breakfast. See through the disguise. See me.” You never do. Why?

Because you only see the exterior, you only see the slutty girl who welcomes those advances. You don’t want the nice girl.. so don’t say you’re looking for a relationship: relationships take time and energy and intent, three things we’re willing to extend - - but in return, we’re looking for compassion and loyalty and trust, three things you never seem willing to express. Maybe nice guys finish last, but in the race they’re running they’re chasing after the whores and the sluts and the easy-targets… the nice girls are waiting at the finish line with water and towels and a congratulatory hug (and yes, if she’s a nice girl and she likes you, the sweatiness probably won’t matter), hoping against hope that maybe you’ll realize that they’re the ones that you want at the end of that silly race.


So maybe it won’t last forever. Maybe some of those guys in that race will turn in their running shoes and make their way to the concession stand where we’re waiting; however, until that happens, we still have each other, that silly race to watch, and all the chocolate we can eat:))

Busy Busy BEE!

so yah. those words came up damn often during the week.
i have to say this...
I AM SO GLAD THE WEEK IS OVER!! TGIS!! (cosidering today's saturday! hahahs!)
anyways...now that that is done and over with. i shall update you about the exciting, tiring, no-sleep, rushy, not-at-all-me, week! which so coincidentally is linked to everything:D
1) we realised on monday that econs submission was on that week itself. friday, 6pm. right before
2) my FA2 CLASS TEST AND! and after Organisational Behavior (OB) presentation which
3) I SCREWED UP BIG TIME DUE TO TECHNICAL DIFFICULTY and
4) i think maybe my members would mark me down. consider me, late, absent, never do work and not a good narrator, destroying-their-hope-for-A project, and another event which made me feel the same way is
5) samba open talk and i was late-for-and-missed-everything because of
6) SIFE MEETING! which i volunteered to be in cos i like it and
7) i got a bonus from doing charity works. **see biz entrance. you'll see my face, shall i repeat that, MY FACE ON THE WALL! hahahahahahahhas! i didn't even notice till like on wednesday, when i was walking to class, rushing for FA tut. some guy was blocking my way and i walked near the wall. which i hate to do cos i can see the reflection of my fat legs. and then i saw it. IT refers to MY FACE ON THE WALL!! i stared at it like a full 3 seconds. wondered where and when it was taken, AND WHY IN THE NAME OF HEAVEN HAVE I NEVER SEEN IT BEFORE! and then it lead to
8) me being embarrased for the 3rd time that week. dont ask about the rest. btw, by the end of yesterday, i have managed to forget about it. thanks to the severe head shakes (i think i may have had a concussion) and also
9) to the journey home with ika and kenneth. imagine tp. at 8.15 pm. with a star-filled sky. and i saw orion and north star again. and a soft, moist touch of the wind. imagine titanic pose. imagine me doing that from the large digital clock to the middle of the pyramid (near mushyroom). hahahs. abih tengah feeling suddenly teringat
10) ABU. late night talks. stomach-cramp laughters and a weird, butterfly, tingly and warm feeling.

so that sums up the whole week. ouh! next week is the last lesson for freehand before i have to hand in everything on the week after. PORTFOLIO SUBMISSION! sounds damn big ah but actually nothing one. i dunno why ah, but if i do things that i like, for example, econs and art, i dun mind staying up all night, redoing it again and again, perfecting it, not cos i'm a perfectionist, cos apparently i'm half-hippie, but cos i feel joy and satisfaction in the process. kinda like laughing and living life with a smile despite hateful people around. cos i know i have twice as wonderful lovedones around. and ain and mama. who makes my life complete;) i'll be ready to die as soon as i earned back the money and love my parents have gifted to me. seriously. cos i think i've got it all. alhamdullilah! ") that emoticon was supposed to be like a smile with a lil tear. MEREPEK! with kak suhailah's accent. waakkakakaks! i going watch spongeybob now. and later got ASAD oso. i'm still waiting to buy my watch. wonder when...

omg.omg.omg.
i just found out.
AHHHHHHHHHHHH CRAP!

omg.omg.omg.
apparently i've given that ABU the same nick as everyone else. if he ever finds out, im dead meat i tell u. dead meat! lets just hope he's too busy for these kinds of crap! and the more i stalk him, the more things i see which i really really don't wanna noe. or better of not knowing. they say don't jugde a book by its cover. maybe i should stop being some minah kepo. tu ah! stop it seh!!!
wakakakakakakakkaks!!

ouh i was supposed to tell u. BERBATOV SCORED LAST MINUTE FOR MAN UUU!!!
WOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOO!

k time to study peeps. i so gonna sleep late today:)

and because u're the only crush i don't have trouble talking and laughing to...

I"M IN LOVE. crap.crap.crap.crap.crap.crap.crap.crap.crap.crap.crap.crap.crap.

so apparently the title won't fit in the number of craps i actually feel right about now.
apparently, so many wild things happened while i was away. like WTH!!
i want to fight! justice! (esp since my ASAD lessons, i feel so much braver man!!) :)

so anyways, the-everyone-knows-whats-going-on samba politics-cum-egoistical-cum-bimbolicious truth has finally gone out! (kudos to aisyah! altho i noe u think its frustrating u deserve the thanks all of us juniors really feel) and _______ to those who misunderstand us who tries our best to explain the problems that was created by you, yourselves and so many others who fails to see the problems. bloody blind ppl. shessh!!

and i face truckloads of these kinda of stuff everywhere i go. apparently ppl live of these things. that i can be super certain. DUNIA INI PANGUNG SANDIWARA!!! meaning, no drama no life. and no one wants that kind of mundane i-am-perfect life. NO ONE!!
atleastidontthinkso:/ bahahhahhaahahas.

and TO ABU. i seriously have a heavy crush on you. stop being so nice to me already. its damn hard as it is. i love ur eyes, your attitude, your coolness, your moves, your voice, your stance, your recoverin foot, your determination, your passion to teach, your face (so cute!!), your jokes, your heart-melting smile, your laugh and last but not least, your faith to Allah. may all of your life be blessed with happiness and joy and wealth and health and all good stuff. u deserve it seh. like really. i don't even mind if you find another girl whom you love with all your heart. cos i noe u deserve her. even if she don't deserve you.

i pray that Allah won't give me everything i ask for. cos i've asked for some very bad things that i've come to regret. really. so sorry god.


and i love You. thank You for giving me everything i need right now. thank You for giving me Your faith. thank You for letting me live this life for i've seen wonders more than pain and hurt. for the world that i love. and with that, please help my relatives in Gaza. give them what you have given me. give them heaven for they have not seen it yet in their lives. dont give them hope if it will only break their hearts and life till they cant stand living anymore.

i so tired right now. man u match later against bolton. i hope they win. what AM I SAYING?? of course THEY WILL!! hahahhhahahhs!

WOOOOSHHHHH!!!!

so fine.
TODAY WAS A TERRIBLY WIINNNDDDYYY!!!! DAY!!!
bahahahahahhahas!
damn syiok.
imagine summer in singapore. hot and windy. wat could be better than dat?
like seriously...u wanna noe? gosh i'm so shy to say!
hahahahhahahs!

k lah. its a really really really good thing.
1) i'm starting to focus on my studies.
2) i'm lost my crush on hakim:) yay!! yesterday, he sat behind me, takde feel pon! woosh!
3) i love the fact that i really don't feel towards any guys who have the typical cute, good-looking, christiano ronaldo look. dunno why. i think cos i see too many of them ald lah. or maybe i'm part les. nah just joking. really.
4) i think i lost weight. cos the wind just almost blew me and my half kg bag OFF THE GROUND!!
i was like hanging on the the pole at the bus stand just so i wont fall when the wind blew from my back lah. wt... and i think at least half of the people who saw me today knew how the skin on my neck looks like. and i almost knocked a guy down when my tudung went up to cover my face. nasib baik dier bukan mat gangster. boleh mati seh... WAKAKAKAKAKKAKAKSS!!
5) i finally know wats wrong when i drink too much coffee. watch today's news seh u guys. facts on consumation of caffeine:

• too much will make u hallucinate. no wonder i feel damn high dat $7-coffees day. lol.
• too much will increase chances of miscarriage.
• the right amount will reduce chances of getting ovarian cancer.
• overreliance will cause muscle tremors and irritability overtime
  too much for an attention-seeker.
  

6) i have a new crush. just like zue with mok. and ain with ice. i think i shall call mine abu. wakakakakks! and only people who noe who he is will laugh along:)) weee...
7) bear wif me on this. i really doubting my ability to stay on with samba. not that i hate it. but sometimes i think the fun of the cca goes hand-in-hand with the people. and not that i'm saying i hate the people. but sometimes, a little mistake each time adds up to truckloads of shit in the end. so yah. i really want all those guys and girls to come back. just so u guys noe, i love u a lot. and i'm missing u guys alot alot alot!!

i need to go off now. i skip samba to study. so yah, next time people. i want to work only one day each week now please!!
BYES PEEPOS!!

i had a fun day today.
performance. open house. cheers. ASAD (finally!!). and lots of people calling me.

just when i don't need it.
crush. work. projects. tests. tuts. politics. miscomms.

and i think they won't stop coming anytime soon.
so tough, thats my final thought of the day.

till next time darlings!
i want popeyes! and benJs!! and clothes!! REAL BADDDD :(
i miss primary sch and kindergarden. so fun lah seh....

missed me?

hahahhas! weird blog post.
but anyways, how r ya guys??

i missed blogging so here i am.
so wats up? u might be wondering...
why so long never update until next year then update from my last post? lols

not that i'm bragging but life's more interesting when u update in in a whole bunch of words. hahahahs!

so anyways, i had my hols. wanted to make sure there's no more hols before i really update.
cos yah as u mite noe, my school just started dis week with the new year as another hols.
if u ask me i think its just dumb lah. mite as well give us the whole week off. but then again, maybe some missed school terribly and wanted to celebrate the new year with friends. but i don't really care u noe. the countdowns and all the loud big-banged stuff is just over-rated to me. cos i celebrated my new year over the last weekend. u mite wonder y?

its maal hijrah weekend man. i was out the whole time. hahahs.
damn fun lah. but i think most teenagers wont noe dis.
do u noe there are also 12 months in the islamic calender and the new year dis year is a new decade? see, u din noe! hahahahhs!

dis year is 1430 in islam years. the 12 months of islam (starting from the first month, and im not refering to any calender here) are
1. muharram
2. safar
3. rabilulawal (Nb. Muhammad's bdae falls on the 12th of this month)
4. rabilulakhir
5. jumadilawal
6. jumadilakhir
7. rejab
8. shakban
9. ramadhan
10. syawal
11. zulkaedah
12. zulhijah
(spelling is as i say it not the real one) hahahas.

so yah anyways. hols was packed for me. like no days were not crammed with either activities or getting well from my heavy sickness. damn bad lah. i was like super cold but its like damn hot outside. can't eat or drink for fear that i might vomit. i hate making a mess and all so yah. and bad news and good news came alternately for me. overall it was a huge roller coaster ride for me.
u wanna here bad news first i'm sure.
well.
1. i screw up my mid sems. got some of the results back. failed fa by 1 bloody mark and was scolded on the phone by ms kok. i hate lah. i think wat my friend said is true. the more hard work u put into something, the more disappointed u'll be in the end.

2. my mom got bust out. just in case u're those type who don't read or watch news, parkway health, the place where my mum work for, is like slashing people's job like crap. by the way, the way they cut people is just damn crude to me. there's work to be done there but they are cutting the people who does the job. i just hope they crash and burn soon. like...not enough money, still go buy the place to make new hospital. watever lah eh....anyways, my dad, who works for the same company also want go quit ald. find new job who don't discriminate malays who work hard on their jobs. stupid!

3. cik idah has left the country again to go back to dubai!!! without meeting me again!! wth....

4. i didn't meet up with huda or ain during the hols. damn dumb! shesshhh!

5. project submisssions are getting alot of people stressed up and i'm not feeling it. thats bad right?

6. i haven't watched twilight and yes man and another lot of movies online yet. no time!!

7. i haven't been to any ASAD training yet! i'm so hoping they'll not think me as hangat-hangat tahi ayam or something worst. like its not my fault really. saturdays are always fully booked for me. :(

8. kak janah's grandma died 2 days after i met here for the first time. how ironic is dat? like hi and bye at the same time. damn sad lah! kak janah...please be strong! i'm just a call away:)

good news now.
1. I HAD A BLAST DURING THE BBQS WITH SEC SCH PPL AND MY HOMIES!!!
miss them truckloads ald. btw, i had the family bbq during CHRISTMAS!! and i bought bdae cake and rose for mummy's bdae! like FINALLYY!!!! weeeee!! :DDDDD

2. i exercised during the hols!! YAYAYYAYAYAY!!!
but i dunno whether or not i lose weight! hahahahs! still a piggie slacking and reading i guess.

3. my new year's resolution include finishing the al-Q again and completing my religious lessons and hadis. missed too many ald seh!!

4. i met up with a lot of people i thought i'd never meet again! best giler!

5. my mum got a new job at changi with my help. i was with her throughout the entire way. from filling up the application form, to the interview, to finally signing the job contract:) see how nice i am? hehehhes

6. my biz stats paper almost got a full mark. 47/50. how close is dat man??? but i'm satisfied:))

7. my family has spend truckloads of quality time together. happy lah seh. but damn tiring ah.

8. i finally went to a full MM asrama session. never completed the whole 2 day event thing before seh. i always pangsei them on the last day. but this year, i did it!! hahahahs!

9. I FINALLY MET UP WITH A DERMATOLOGIST!~~ she said my face is ok but it takes time to heal and go back to its natural colour. its not permanent or anything that will spread so for now, i just have to bear with it being there. but i'm glad its nothing bad:))

10. my voice has changed slightly to a rocker-soft voice so if u hear another voice on the line, don't worry. it's still me. just weirder-sounding. wakkakakkakas!

11. i'm addicted to VITASOY and Pet Society now. dunno if i'm willing to break the habit. but until i find another source of amusement in life, i think those 2 are my saviours in polite society. hehehes!

k gtg my 4 pm tutorial now. i hate fridays. cos of the 3 hour long break. damn dumb!! but i'm sure u noe that ald rite. so live along. bye ppl!!