today in life

so. i was supposed to do many things today. and i'm supposed to update lots of things. guess it didn't happen. sorry. i've been moody these days. don't know why. i think it maybe because of my recent job lost, the fired conversation with my family, the anger i have for everybody, even if they didn't do anything wrong. i'm sorry. really, i am. but today. i'm tired of apologising. its too late. everyone already formed opinions of myself long time ago; when i did those mistakes i shouldn't. too bad i guess.

i'm not saying sorry.
i'm not becoming the old me.

its just, its a new year today. today is 1 muharram and i'm fasting tomorrow and my new boss haven't called me since the interview just now to confirm whether or not i'll be working tomorrow and i'm feeling damn confused for getting the revenge i deserve and i'm feeling vexed with mum's attitude with me this pass few days and i'm angry bros always get what they wants and the care and concern of mum while i'm just another irritating fly in her world.

i'm not jealous.
i'm just angry i'm not dead yet.

and i'm sad she isn't willing to help me through my first job failure like how she helped bro.

i hate the people i love. i guess that's bound to happen sometime ain't it? i'm just another siti in the family. nothing great. i'm just hoping they'll not see how special i am till the day i die. then at least, they will feel very bad i'm dead and i'll know they care. right now if i die, the only person i know will cry for me is huda. i don't think my rents and bros will cry. they know nothing about me. they don't know why i do things. they just think i'm some simpering, ugly bitch that they have to keep coz god gave me to them. they think i'm useless. fine, i don't do the housework.

have you known about the other things which i did?
have you ever thank me?
have you ever said you love me?
have you ever given me an explaination why i can't rest when i'm sick?
do you even know if i'm not well?
of course you don't.
you don't care.
you won't even care if i lay dead by the kallang river.
i'm sure you'll take care of the funeral business. you don't want to look bad in front of everyone.
i spoke my mind and died. i'm supposed to be dead already.

so don't expect me to be your maid just because i'm not schooling and stop giving the stupid excuse that i'm supposed to do things for you just because i'm a girl and a girl who doesn't know how to do housework is completely useless. come on. i'm not going to get married. and we're living in modern times. talk like that doesn't fit my bitchy lifestyle. you should be thankful i have become as i am and not some notorious, out-of-control slut somewhere at geylang. people my age, most, don't even know what it feels like to hurt so much you pray for death as you sleep and their lives are just about hanging out, listening to musics, finding new boyfriends and shopping till your bank account is no longer available. so shut up already. even a baby cry when it's bored of seeing the same peek-a-boo gag. so stop it. you won't like it if i blowout. my whole entire life, i've never hurt anyone mentally, physically and emotionally, all at the same time. don't make yourself the first the enjoy hostile treatment from me. its not going to be nice.

now that that part is done. i have a checklist of things to do. i'll just write it here so i won't forget.
1. upload up photos from the jakarta trip. then maybe kak norls can pick it up from here. (it doesn't seem to work huda. i don't know what's wrong)
2. type in the poetry long due for this blog. (remember my soul confession i promised to upload but didn't? ya. that one. and another one also)
3. continue blogging about that trip to jakarta. (next time i start it'll be from chapter 2.5 onwards)
4. do up my schedule of things around my life. (everything in a mess right now. just so you know)
5. clear up every single sec 3 and 4 book then pass it on to juniors and fadhlun.
6. clear my wardrobe and sort out my clothes. asap!
7. find the person who had been stealing my shoes!!!!! i'm so angry. he stole my slipper and my school shoe!! what am i supposed to wear when i take my results due in 2 weeks time??!!
8. re-write most of my blogs. maybe even make a new one. this one had been crap this past few weeks. no one comments on my poetry anymore. don't make me give up what i love. i'll kill you then kill myself if you do that.
9. i must start remembering things. what did i write this list for? oh.... right....
10. i must stop doing stupid things and saying wrong things this year. heard its 2008 and its the year of the mouse and since its really a new year for me, both in the actual and islam calender, i must start doing things right. i mean that. really, i do. don't believe me? ah, asal? asal? (thanks kak dilah!)

i've been crapping those few lines. i won't apologise. too bad if you don't like it. its not my problem. my problem is that i took 2 bloody hours writing this up. sleep already siti. its 2.25 am!