value of time

so fine, i read this somewhere and it kinda stuck to me now.

Punctuality is an obligation of a non-existent society....
so who's to blame if i'm still procrastinating right?
who's to blame if i just can't make myself be a little bit more time-conscious
who's to blame when i look at myself and see someone else staring back

i've been hit hard by what miss khit said during ideation lesson last week.
altho i know she was commenting on my works instead of me, it still had that *hit the head hard impact you know? super pain. cos only it hurt so bad. she said, "you are all over the place...you must find back your starting point, think of what you want, and make what you want out of it....right now you're working backwards, having so much ideas and creations, but you dunno which one you want"

it made me silent for a full 5 seconds as i digest in her words into my life these few weeks. i've been "running around" as what my CP, mr chan said, "i don't see that you're putting in any effort into your work...everytime i see you, you're busy with some other activity..."

is it my fault im in all of these problems right now?
i have no friends i can depend on to ask for notes from, cos i skipped lectures and a few tuts i didn't bother doing cos i tot i was smart. well look who's crying and begging for notes now.
i've never been angrier at myself than now. i feel like turning back time, pushed myself out of bed and slap me hard for not doing the stuff that i should have. now im gonna flung accounts again and mr chan's impression of me will continue to degrade until im just another typical stupid and lazy malays who dont do anything to improve their life despite them being in the slumps already. you noe what he thinks of me? he thinks im just fooling around, not bothering to do tut girl, skipping every 9am lecture and emo cum loner kid. cos honestly, in class, im lost. the people whom i tot i could ask for help from, my groupmates, they dont even print the notes. and those who do are always too busy to help "smarty pants siti" out.

i feel like breaking down. i tot i could just live this life of mine, no one would bother me with all these small problems like doing tuts and coming early. apparently im dumb and stupid. apparently reality isnt as sweet as the picture i painted of it. apparently, those whom i tot would slack and not do work with me are actually doing them and i am not even allowed to talk to them straight for fear that i'll be seen with them and everyone will start talking again; like wt....

so fine, right now i'll just struggle with what little stuff i have and pray that Allah will be fair. afterall, Allah's the only one who can help me. and since Allah has put me in this situation, there'll be a way out. one way or another. worst come to worst, i'll just be buried in the ground and be food to earthworms. dun forget pray for me when im dead. i need it for my akhirat. thanks.

the darkness

sometimes i think i think too much
sometimes i wished that what i've done would more than enough
sometimes i hoped that the smiles and laughters i have could light up the night

but then again, who's to care
i'm gonna die a virgin anyway right
i'm gonna rot and hope that there'd be more to life than just this
i'm gonna stay awake and wish that when i blink i'll be sleeping
i'm gonna sleep and wake up realising i've been dead for a long time
i'm gonna make everyone hate me and not cry cause that's what i wanted
i'm dip myself in honey and put myself on the grill
just so you can have me for lunch, dinner and supper.

cos that's what all of you wanted since you saw me walking pass you
cos you hated the fact that your life is lesser than perfect
cos you wanted me to suffer for having laughter like no other
cos all you ever wanted is to rub off hatred and anger

and all i could wish for
is for you to love yourself more
cos there's more to you than that which meets the eye
and if i could have this much faith in you
how could you not have this much faith in Allah
the one who created you
chose you among all the others
to live the life

a life that's far more perfect than a majority of others
a life that's full of happiness which only you fail to see
a life that's brighter than the darkness you've succumbed yourself to..

ajkh aje ah.

tak ada yang abadi

the title of the post just describe this few days for me.

i think i'm pms-ing. pffts!

anyways, i skipped the sl appreciation thingy coz i needed to go somewhere more important that i've neglected for quite abit. today i learned, dosa, once done, cannot be erased for the life of you, no matter whats the purpose behind it. it can only be covered up by having more pahala and with Allah's will, you won't go into the pits of hell, neraka jahanam, where it is said, just a drop of its fire is able to wipe out earth and everything within it. if "Hell Hath No Fury Like That Of A Woman's Wrath's", i can't imagine hari kiamat later, when the world itself can't accept you stepping on it, when all the anger of mothernature and life itself throws itself out upon you.

and then when i reached home, i watched "tak ada yang abadi" on RCTI. its a documentary kinda thing about this guy, who stole his siblings inheritance for himself to gamble away, etc... and in doing so, pushed his mum to her death. he had 4 younger siblings. now, after he has repented and found light, after he lost his left leg from a freak accident, due to karma and dolat from his late mum, he seeks forgiveness from all his siblings. and seriously, when i first watched him going to his 2nd sis home and her reaction towards him which were full of hate and contempt cos he made her life suffer as she was now, i was like, "like who would forgive him? i would most prob do the same." then my wise young bro spoke up, "what have you got to lose by giving forgiveness?"

cut long story short, the story thought me: i should cherish what i have now, for once you do lose the trust and love that you have now, nothing you ever do can undo the past mistakes. all you can try doing is cover up those cuts you have created but no cut would ever be gone without a scar and that is exactly my point.

to whomever it may concern, (kalau terase tu salah diri sendiri)
i didn't do whatever was accused of me. going around ruining my name serve to only hurt you later:

1) cos i will know and i can never trust you again. ive learn a hard lesson today, forgiveness should be given sincerely at every opportunity cos you'll never live your life fully if you keep hanging on to grudges and hate.

2) cos people will hate you once the truth is out and it won't take long

3) cos no one but Allah noes you best and only Allah noe ur intentions of doing so

*P.S: if you're jealous of the life i'm having, try finding a better role model beside yourself, cos believe or not, you're not the GREAT person you think you are. kau ingat kepale kau banyak besar pe? kalau kau bagus sangat, you won't be in the pathetic situation you are now ass.

and for now, i'm letting it go. watch it rise and join E.T;)