idk if its due to my refusal to change or due to the fact that i've finally found something i'm really in love in and would just want to stick by it. cos honestly, i cant imagine myself without sambateria. without tpsilat & asad. without my family and friends. esp those random friends who've suddenly become the reason i'm here, my sisters. idk if the fact that i keep giving excuses to VE is because i hate the fact i have to grow up or because i really can't see myself having a career in sales. idk what really want to pursue in life. why do i feel the pressure from the world, when i wanna do is stop time, like what Mika said. why don't i want the success i've seen so many attain. i noe i can do it. and then i hear the leaders' perceptions of failures. and i'm the exact person they're describing. i'm the biggest one. not cos im slow. cos im not moving. not improving. not doing anything.
when i have CRA project to complete. and SAPM. god, i don't even know what i'm supposed to do for SAPM. and not forgetting the socio assignments. and BTM & taz.
then this weekend. i have 3 talks to go to. 1 at 9am, NIE (i dont even noe where to go) abt YOG village officer, cos i missed yesterday's one (cos nvr check mail), 1 abt drugs cos mum enrolled me in it, another at office on sat 2pm, but i guess i'm skipping the later cos i'll be having band prac at wickeds' at 1.30. then there's the BIG PSK@jurong at 2. i just hope ASAD's timing is delayed to sunday. cos i dun tink i can travel to jurong in less than 1hr. nasib im not playing for sunday. if not how? then there's the upcoming drumzout and kompang cum wedding perf. mak kau! the trainings blambak nak mampos, aku tak tau leh angs ke tak, and tpsilat's perf @ heritage ctr for YOG (without abg syah to guide us! god help us) and there's the village officer thing for a week (prays it doesn't clash) and there's VE.
so u see my options here? im left with less than a motnh of sch b4 its break again due to yog, and in that time, i'll have an upcoming exam oso. cam mane ni. i need to set my priorities right. and i noe i can't have it all. to have it all is to have myself cut up into 5 pieces and placed at that very point in time in 5 completely diff situations. cam ne nak hidop beb!
but that's not the worst part. the worst is not being able to choose. and letting myself being guided by people who doesnt have my best interest at heart. yes u might say whatever ure doing is to push me, so i can reach greater heights, but what if i tell u now, im not ready to go up. i wanns be on top. but right now, that's not my main priority.
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