Risen from the dead

There was once upon a time, where we all wonder what life will be if we didn't make that one mistake or that one life-changing decision which has thus affected the rest of our lives since. That was what i was, what i did to drown myself in utter self-misery and helplessness. I didn't wish to get out, didn't wish to move, and i kept on holding on to lost hope that maybe, one day, when i wake up, all of those were just some gruesome nightmare instead of a living memory. I kept on hoping i will wake up to my happily ever after. I kept on hoping that maybe life didn't happen and i was still wrapped up in my dreams of a beautiful reality.


POP!


That was exactly how my bubbles of baseless expectations and useless imaginations were burst. It wasn't as if I didn't see it coming. I knew being happy for so long was too good to be true for me. Welcome 2014. 4 years it has been and it seems it was all for nothing. When you believe in one person more than yourself, when you forget the Creator while being with the creation, it was as it's meant to be. At this point, i admit, i'm still in denial. A hypocrite against myself. But i still thank God for all that He has given me. Maybe this pain was necessary to make me learn. Maybe this pain was meant to bring me back here, and remember how i was and it wouldn't hurt so much because now i'm back on earth after living too long in the clouds. God knows my struggles, how much I've given and fought for others, and always holding back for myself... Because somehow, even after all these lessons and pains, I am who I am and I can't seem to stop. I'm not naive and stupid. I'm just human. I didn't see the need to dwell on all that I've done. I have angels on my left and right shoulders to do that for me. I have Allah to remember for me. I have Nabi Muhammad saw to remind me, it's ok to be me. And in fact to do even more good now more than ever because my time here will not be long anymore. I've tasted too much pains in my young life, I've seen too much in the years I could still count with my fingers. Yet maybe somehow all of these was already written in the book and stars for me. Maybe my happiness isn't meant to be on earth, for it is hell for the believers, and a painful prison, the daily tortures are all meant to keep you away from the real hell if only you believe and be patient. For surely, Allah is with the patient. And you'll never be tested beyond what you can handle.

My arrogance in this pathetic world has made me linger in dreams not meant for me. My confidence that maybe there is a slice of joy leftover for me in this current life has made me forget what i was meant for in the hereafter.

Dear God, I don't want to die yet, not without you forgiving all my sins, not without you giving me chances to makeup for all my careless forgetting the only Creator who never forgets any of His creations. Dear God please guide me through this corrosive and filthy life and keep me cleansed of all my worries and miseries. Dear God please keep all my loved ones safe even when i can't. Please help them remember you so I won't be alone anymore in the hereafter; I've had enough of that here Ya Rahim. Ya zal jalali wal ikram, keep us within the shelter of Your mercy and Your love, keep us close to You and don't let anyone take us away from You and Your Light.

In 2013, i lost my health, some parts of my body, my wallet, my position, my school, my workplace, my second home and family, and most recently, my love. It felt like the whole world came crashing down on me. And i turned to the only one who understands 'cause He put me in that position so I would remember who I am and let go of anything else pertaining to this world because in the end, it doesn't even matter. He made me remember, I didn't have to carry all these burdens with me anymore. He made me realize, in my arrogance and ignorance, how much I didn't care about things I should have long ago addressed.

Despite all, I am so thankful being back where I am now. I've always learnt about life the hard way. Now i've learnt about love too.


And to love, it means to do so whole heartedly, sincerely. It means to do so, even if you have no more heart left, or what is left is just broken pieces you can barely find to glue it back together. It means to give, without hoping or even thinking about getting anything back in return. It's a little bit like shouting in space; the vacuum might not feel anything from what you did, but at least, inside, you will feel that little bit of happiness, just by giving.



Love.


Life is precious; don't waste it drowning in feelings of regret, anger and shame. It may not matter in the end, but now's not the end yet is it? So just make the best of it, and believe Allah always wants the best for you, even if you don't see it yet. We humans are always so judgmental and calculative, we forget that being kind and loving with all that you have will make all the difference in the world. And i just want to make this world a little nicer to live in when i'm gone... So let it be even if I can't be happy. This life isn't meant for me to be happy.

sometimes, in the dead of the night i cry.

cry cos of the life i'm choosing. cry cos my grandma is lonely and it reminds me of me. cry cos i'm tired of being who i've become, the person who everyone depends on. who am i going to depend on? i don't think i'm able to. sometimes, i just feel like dropping everything, see how the world function without me once in a while. see if i'm missed. see if i had actually made an impact in anyone's life. cos honestly, after being the "slave", i think i deserve some slack. i deserve to be acknowledged. i deserve to be treated like the captain. cos god only noe even the captain depend on me. but no. tts not gonna happen. at least not in this lifetime. oh god, sesungguhnya aku lakukan ini semue kerana mu ya allah. niat ku hanya untuk menempah tempat di syurga mu. aku mohon ya allah. give me the strength to pull through, even if its gonna be without feeling, without anything in for me. give the power to hold myself up while striving to push everyone on top too. sesungguhnya diriku solehah ya allah.

i don't know if you've noticed, but i'm usually very lonely.

i know its because most of my friends are busy and not around. i understand. it's because i do i'm here now.

and i don't have the cliques or bffs to hang around with. not like most. i noe. i'm sad like that. but its the few who's around tt have had my respect pinning for them. its because of them, i continue, pushing. its because of them, i have the will to pull another day thru. cos i noe, ill see them, and my world is brighter. i noe wif them, they noe, they understand, who i am. who ill always be.

i would sometimes think of the other alternatives, where i won't be happy nor sad. where there'll be constant stress to exceed what i have. and i'm glad. bersyukur YA ALLAH. this is my place. there's a purpose for me. no matter tt no one noe my function, i noe the reason im here. i noe ive helped. tts enough for me. tts all i ever wanted. at least i noe, ive kept myself intact, if not stronger. im perfect being who i am. && for that, i glad this is my life. no matter the hardships, i noe at the end of the day, im content. i'd die being tt happy person. thank god.

hurts

sometimes, there's this thing which constantly gnaws at you, but u're afraid to kill it fearing it'll come back to haunt you, cos u noe u arent perfect urself.

what am i talking about? the fact i can't stand any of my friends sinning and im not doing anything about it. cos im not fearless.

i hate it. being the by-stander of khalwat. yeah sure, ur not fucking in front of me, but the stuffs u do, equates to whatever. and u noe wats the worst part, ur supposed to be the religious ones but u dont even see the fucking huge iblis by ur side. so go, have fun. don't ask when u dont get the joke.

noe what else i despise? hypocrites and lazy assholes. i can take stupid jerks but lazy assholes? they just throw the whole load of blame on u after leaving everything that has to be done on ur fucking head. u tink only u got life is it? ye lah... sape lah siti kan. she's nothing. maybe its about time i leave everything on ur fucking small dick and see how u handle it. u can fucking sweet talk ur way out of a messy situation cos uve got humor as ur 2nd skin but seriously, what the fuck makes u tink i'll EVER treat u with a fucking respect when uve done NOTHING to deserve it. ur a fucking lazy asshole. even ur motherfuckers cant help u. cos u dont see the problem. u dont see the reason why so many are giving up. not on us. but on u. cos ur not doing a fucking thing, to even SEE there's a problem. ur not lifting a fucking finger to help out. all u noe, is hide behind some bitch. and when u cant do that, u find another. im not ur motherfucking bitch asshole. get a fucking life. and the faster u see im not ur ordinary, yes, boss, sure i'll help u bitch, the faster ull see ur NOT the boss arnd. unless ur fucking blind or maybe ur 4 eyebrows arent helping u see, this fucking grp isnt moving. we get something, it ripped away frm us. cos uve decided to suck some arse's ball. since ur on such gd terms right, so much so he can just skip the fact u didnt answer his qns abt the "brilliant ideas" ur supposed to have, why not, run the whole grp urself. ur THAT capable rite. surely this things, "perkare kecik je kan...takyah nangis". BUTO.

i hate being treated like a joke. cos ppl dont noe what ive done. cos i dont pride myself to tell the whole world the sacrifices ive gone thru to make this a nicer place for others. and what do i get in return? people taking adv of it. "oh, kau rase ni senang kan, kau buat ah," BABI. fuck off. i had to LEARN THRU THE HARD WAY. tts why is fucking easy now. for u, ull forever be ignorant. and guess wat, in the end, i tink u deserve every bit of ur life now. not cos i tink uve suffered in the past to be enjoying ur "fruits of labour" now, but cos u suck frm last time till now and only i see it and u deserve ur life now cos ur collecting dose. dose which uve made out for urself. dose which u deserve. sure, i'll always pray to god to open ur motherfucking mini eyes but for now, u deserve being sent to hell. fucking jerk.

this is a reminder post for myself. so i won't forget:

Projects to get done ASAP:

1) CRA

2) SAPM

3) EBSK

4) Silat Vid & PICS compilation!

5) Socio indiv essay

6) Socio movie grp

7) home renoV

&& i failed 2 core modules for midsems. so end sems... here i come!

currently, my status is screwed. i keep asking myself the same question and i end up at the same exact thing.

idk if its due to my refusal to change or due to the fact that i've finally found something i'm really in love in and would just want to stick by it. cos honestly, i cant imagine myself without sambateria. without tpsilat & asad. without my family and friends. esp those random friends who've suddenly become the reason i'm here, my sisters. idk if the fact that i keep giving excuses to VE is because i hate the fact i have to grow up or because i really can't see myself having a career in sales. idk what really want to pursue in life. why do i feel the pressure from the world, when i wanna do is stop time, like what Mika said. why don't i want the success i've seen so many attain. i noe i can do it. and then i hear the leaders' perceptions of failures. and i'm the exact person they're describing. i'm the biggest one. not cos im slow. cos im not moving. not improving. not doing anything.

when i have CRA project to complete. and SAPM. god, i don't even know what i'm supposed to do for SAPM. and not forgetting the socio assignments. and BTM & taz.

then this weekend. i have 3 talks to go to. 1 at 9am, NIE (i dont even noe where to go) abt YOG village officer, cos i missed yesterday's one (cos nvr check mail), 1 abt drugs cos mum enrolled me in it, another at office on sat 2pm, but i guess i'm skipping the later cos i'll be having band prac at wickeds' at 1.30. then there's the BIG PSK@jurong at 2. i just hope ASAD's timing is delayed to sunday. cos i dun tink i can travel to jurong in less than 1hr. nasib im not playing for sunday. if not how? then there's the upcoming drumzout and kompang cum wedding perf. mak kau! the trainings blambak nak mampos, aku tak tau leh angs ke tak, and tpsilat's perf @ heritage ctr for YOG (without abg syah to guide us! god help us) and there's the village officer thing for a week (prays it doesn't clash) and there's VE.

so u see my options here? im left with less than a motnh of sch b4 its break again due to yog, and in that time, i'll have an upcoming exam oso. cam mane ni. i need to set my priorities right. and i noe i can't have it all. to have it all is to have myself cut up into 5 pieces and placed at that very point in time in 5 completely diff situations. cam ne nak hidop beb!

but that's not the worst part. the worst is not being able to choose. and letting myself being guided by people who doesnt have my best interest at heart. yes u might say whatever ure doing is to push me, so i can reach greater heights, but what if i tell u now, im not ready to go up. i wanns be on top. but right now, that's not my main priority.

you know what hurts the most? when u've allowed it to come too close. now it feels like a durian. u love it, but its killing u. im tired of hearing hold on ct. dont worry ct. dont stress ct. i know, thinking bout it wont solve a freaking thing. everything needs actions. & then im caught up with myself...what other thing am i lacking? what it is that is missing? i've asked myself this, countless times. i noe where i need to go. & im loving the journey throughout. but why do i still feel all these insecurities? why do i take initiative? why do i even bother when the rest wont even care? cos i cant help it. pasal ct cant help loving them so much. korang tau tak brape syg ct kat korang? when i see everyone graduating, i kept thinking, when i grad, THIS would be the biggest reason why i'd hate to leave. throughout my entire journey, up till now, i've learned so much. and there's still alot more to go. i noe im nowhere near as good as the others, i noe who i am. sape lah ct kan? ppl wont even remember my contributions when im gone. i could just bet on it. but i just cant leave. esp not when the phrase," Success seems to be largely a matter of hanging on after others have let go" keep repeating itself in my brain. & i had a weird thought yesterday... i could actually win IVP...esp when so many wouldn't join IVP what with persisi organizing it and all that politics. its true. ive said it before. i joined silat and continued being in it cos its one of the few ccas tt wont press politics on u, but suddenly when it really hits me. im stunned. i guess tts what those tears were for. cos i wanted so badly for us to be the awesome united committee, i didnt realise my errs tt lead to what we are nw. i sorry. i regret it. ill make up for it i swear. tmr. cos im just too tired tday. tired of being bashed up. tired of being pulled about cos we had to suck some persons balls to get the stuff we couldnt get. here's the part where i say, having loads of money would really help in life a bit, but i guess even tt we have to earn huh? but he's not in the wrong. it shouldnt be in this lose-lose situation we're in now. but i guess stratification is too much to ask for rite?

i still cant believe all i ever wanted for people to be happy. cos nw i realize people, have really selfish intentions, really sick minds. really bad realities i shouldnt have known. i wasnt supposed to know, but now tt i do, i still cant understand where this hope comes from.

i read something inspiring just now:

faith makes everything possible, hope makes everything brighter, love makes everything easier.

[the inspirational quote frm ms christine's desk]

&& this song just explained my day tday:

Im not the same person I used to be
Im moving on
Its just me

Do you remember?
When you told me that
Id never be good enough for anyone
That I wasnt worth your time
Your energy

And why did I listen then
Why didnt I stand up for myself
But you made me believe
That I was on the road to nowhere
To nowhere

And Ohh
I was listening for way to long
I should of known Im way to strong
To let you just lead me on
Lead me on

And Ohh
I was traveling on that road to long
Just trying to find my way back home
The old me's dead and gone
Dead and gone

I been thinking about all that weve been through
Every place that you and me went to
Thinking back home
Stupid little memories
Thinking bout the times that my heart felt empty
Wait
That was all the time
Cuz we just weren't fine
We fake it
A true friend stabs you in the front so tell me why my back is aching
You cant say
You just joke
Aint anything
Then theres your rope
Dang whats in front better work for you
Hooked up and you got me at your game
Burn every rib but you still see the smoke
Try to get across but you sank every boat
You can smoke every day of your life
But when I'm on the mic imma be more dope

And ohh
I was listening for way to long
I should of known Im way to strong
To let you just lead me on
Lead me on

So you could love me for who I am
Or hate me for who you think I am
But the old me's dead and gone
Im moving on now

Ohh
Ohhh
Umm
Old me's dead and gone
Dead and gone
Ohh

dead & gone - travis NLT

i love every women, ladies & girls in my life:)

they're beautiful the way they are. esp my mum. happy mother's day ma.

on a side note,

ira & amalina, you babes are beautiful. & even more with tudung on!^^

nadiah, i admire how you live your life. it's like a fairytale i want to be on too. i love how helpful, organised & hardworking you are, how u're like the princess in that fairytale. i hope your prince, mcdreamy comes soon, and realise what a treasure you are princess.

nabby, you're stronger than u noe beb. dang, even i am jealous.

alfiah, elf love, you're wiser than your years beb, & it's frm you i've known Allah's love.

ain, you're the most passionate person alive, your commitment is something i've learnt frm:)

nisa, you're very brave. it's frm your experiences that ive gained an insight frm a life i wouldnt have known without you:)

&& last but not least...

to farhanah, thank you for everything. thank you for being who you are. thank you for showing me perfection. thank you for showing me one of Allah's greatest creation... sisterhood. thank you for filling up the holes in my life, the question marks, the scratches i get frm the roadside of life.

confusion

the world needs no more hatred. no more complaints. no more upset, disappointment, regrets.

trust me... doing all of those, leads to nothing. it doesn't even make u feel that tweeny bit better. sometimes, we do things without thinking about consequences. without sparing a thought for others. sometimes, when we were that selfish, we end up learning, we're left with nothing. no satisfaction from hurting others. no contentment from what evil we've done.

our perception and senses may not be accurate. what we see depends on what we're looking out for ~ john lubbock

prejudice are born from uncertainty, fear of the unknown. Stereotyping prevents you from allowing others to feel accepted and living up to their fullest potential.

my final words to all my beloved, be it acquaintance, friends. my sisters. my family.

put yourself in another's shoes, treat others as you want to be treated. it's because we're different, we have different perspectives. but no matter how apart we are, we must accept that we are born into the society we live in now. our family is our biggest society. family by blood, by bond, by experience, by life. the family which bred us to be who we are.

friends come and go. and honestly, i wouldn't wanna let a temporary change me. temporaries like crushes, like stalkers, like haters or people who'd really wanna bring you down, cos they can.

so if you see as imperfect, maybe it's about time you try looking out for other qualities within me, those you might have heard about, but never got to experience for yourself.

P.S: this goes out to my beloved tagger. (rila, hana, fiza, dina - i know you're the same person. it's ok, i understand. aku suke tgk kawan aku gembire, so if making me feel bad, makes u feel good, go ahead dear love.)

P.P.S i din noe i matter so much. thank you for constantly checking back my blog for updates. love you:) ~ this isn't sarcasm. i really appreciate it alot.

i should be getting used to these kind of treatments people do to me.

is because im too weak;

when all i all tried to was give my best,

to do good?

is it because people see me as the selfish bitch,

who tries to do everything,

cos she wants all the credit to herself?

or is it just plainly because,

with my physical being,

my humble background,

my simple mindset,

that doesn't deserve their respect

not even a glance at?

cos honestly...

this is what i see.

i see the world

giving

being kind in the most unusual times

allowing sweat, blood and tears to fall,

just so we can wipe them off & be stronger

smiling and laughing

from simple joys in life

like licking Popsicles

like having babies holding your thumb

like texting little hearts to your loved ones

sharing

no matter what little they have

respecting

even the worst enemies

cos they deserve it

cos they've worked just as hard (& maybe even more)

cos they've been through what you haven't

listening

to words unspoken

beneath all that cries under the eyes

beneath all that silence after violence

beneath all that loud cheerful laughters of ever-afters

why do people judge before comprehending

why do people quit before trying

why do people hate before loving

why do people cry before laughing

why don't they give me a chance?

i'm not the loud, laughing bimbo you all make me out to be.

i just think, you should know me better.

after all these years.

after all the pains and favours ive taken on.

don't i deserve that speck of respect from you?

what more sacrifice?

what more hurt?

what more dignity?

sure i can be better. and i am. but you don't know that. cos from the very beginning, you've decided i'm shit and in your golden angelic eyes, that's what i am for the rest of our lives.

we shouldn't do that. no not that. and never this. so what are we left to do, beside being gracious.

cos apparently, everything we do was shaped just for us. no matter the individual we wanna be, we can never co-exist alone. this why i love sociology. no one would understand me. so i'm gonna make them understand through us. i'm not alone. in this small island, society is all i've got. they're my substance. my closest, most heartfelt society, my family. i love them. despite everything. i love them. like the very soul of my being. i love them. almost as much as i love god. as much as i love islam. as much as i love quran, hadith and jemaah. jemaah. another society. i love them too. and the others too. i noe i took longer than most to see it, but i understood this. from the very moment the socio lecturer talked about society, the only ones which came to mind was my silat, my percussions, my family, my jemaah. the rest didn't matter. cos i noe i don't fit in. not by will. not by nature. but cos it wasn't them who shaped me. who molded me to be the energy you see standing before you now.

it might co-incidentally be true that i'm the weirdo you see hanging around at school. with weird dress codes, weird attitude, weird mindset. but somewhere out there, everyone fit in. sometimes, we have to go back to basics. where we came from. sometimes, we have to explore and see where we got kinda stuck on life at a certain point. cos honestly, if i hadn't had that cry in everyone of these groups i just mentioned, i don't think i'll fit in. if i make sense good. if i don't, well maybe its about time you find your society.

crying, falling, failing, getting hurt are good. it means we've broken our boundaries. it means we've tried going into something we really didn't wanna do and did it anyway. it just plain simple means...we've seen the distinctions between the right and wrong. whatever comes in between, we've yet to explore. but your gut feel will pull you through. im not one wise at words. but when i do come in with something to share means i've learnt something which i would just like to share. life is kinda hard on you sometimes, but sometimes, instead of complaining, feeling worked up and jealous and all, we could just pull up our socks, tuck in our tummies, and head out. the sunrise won't wait till you're done complaining waking up early for it.

that's all dear love. one feet at a time. it might sting a bit. but that's just because you've stood too long at the same spot.

why waste life, all that time, doing something you know you won't love. and why waste it on waiting. why waste it on empty whiny words. move on. you'll regret not moving, trust me. i noe. i noe what it feels to wish on that star. hoping against prayers. but without effort, without earning that experience, it'll mean nothing. the greatest scholars gave all the wise words not cos they studied damn hard all the past experiences from others. it's because they've went thru it. thoughts become things, dearest. so think of what you want instead of what you don't. cos even a negative thought is attracting all the "not-wants" into your life.

right now. i just want inner wealth. gaining all the knowledge. earning each and every one of it.

sometimes... just sometimes, people should look into themselves, for those flaws they kept pointing out to others, cos at the end of the day, to swallow your own words would be the toughest thing yet.

sometimes...just sometimes, after a decision is made, after a plan is confirmed, we just have to let go and let it flow. cos in life, we have to be content, knowing we did the best we could and the rest is up to God's will. cos nothing is bigger. its just that. we should rest in peace, knowing we did the prevention instead of the cure. knowing we've done our best, to save others instead of ourselves.

sometimes...just sometimes, hypocrites don't even realise they are who they are. and sad to say, try as i might not to judge a certain group of people, cos tt will affect my judgement of their true characters at the end, when u at last see their true colours, doing so in the first place won't make a diff. cos they are BORN TO BE. they are who they are. @#$%^&*@#$%^&*!

sometimes...just sometimes, there're people appearing along the way, putting grease on your road to success. and sometimes, there're people putting rocks there. no matter what they do, we must not lose that road we're on. no matter what, we must persevere. no matter what, our life principles can never be contradicted. our main goal should never be deterred.

sometimes...just sometimes, after letting go, after shaking loose, we realise everything isn't all that hard. we find out, everything in life is plain and simple. we see, money's not everything. sure it can help a hell lot. but the essence of life comes from something only you can control. mind over matter;)

sometimes...just sometimes, when you feel you've grown mature too fast, you stop to see your progress, and you can't help but smile and give yourself that pat on the back. even when the whole world's cursing at you to stop going forward. even when you're misunderstood by everyone. even when the people who are pulling you up, are forcing you to grow up even faster. you control the gear and the wheel girl. and for whatever you have achieved, i'm proud of you. no one else needs to know. no one else can push you down or pull you up. and that's cos your definition of success is your own.

sometimes...just sometimes, its ok to have more than one passion. so what if im in love with learning new stuff? so what if im into designing fashion and art, so what if im into samba & brazil music, so what if im into preserving my culture and religion, so bloody what if i like to do silat? so what if i think whatever im doing right now is perfect, even if whatever you say is also true, about me wasting time, effort and cash on it? so bloody what if i plan to take the longest way to get to where im gonna be later? cos i believe strongly in the journey. life is a process, the whole entire road. not the destination. not many people understand that. not many people understand me. cos they prefer to take the simpler way out. cos they prefer to have the eat-sleep-work life, which i don't think i can live for even a second. im learning now. and im loving every second of it=)

&& i seriously tot today was gonna be one of those days.

hey world. i got a call. one of the shortlisted sales rep at your service. i think this might be one of the jobs i'm gonna stay with. just when the pockets slowly burning through. hehes. and as usual. my 2-cents worth:

"Oxygen" by Colbie Calliat

I came apart inside a world made of angry people
I found a boy who had a dream
Making everyone smile
He was sunshine
I fell over my feet
Like bricks underwater

How am I supposed to tell you how I feel
I need oxygen

Chorus:

Oh baby if I was your lady?
I would make you happy
I'm never gonna leave, never gonna leave
Oh baby I will be your lady
I am going crazy for you

And so I found a state of mind
Where I could be speechless
I had to try it for a while
To figure out this feeling
This felt so right
Pull me upside down to a place
Where you've been waiting

chorus

And you don't wanna keep me waiting
Staring at my fingers feeling like a fool

chorus

Tell me what you want,
Baby tell me what you need
Anything I ask baby give it to me
Baby give it to me, give it to me

I came apart inside a world made of angry people
I found a boy who had a dream
Making everyone smile

when will it be right love?

cos i felt like blogging

i wanna tell you some.

i freakingly dont like stalkers. but being on the other end kinda suck.

cos right now, all i wanna do is see your face. just once. its been weeks! come on!

and i think the weather is just, "god, you kidding me?"

i didn't think singapore contributed tt much to global warming now does it? give us a break please. its not really about the heat tt im complaining about. just the blinding light. can't even study lah. i had to put up really dark curtains to cover the shine>.<>

im missing silat alot. cos im getting fat real quick. like shinggzzzz kape~

im deluding myself with my mugging profile right now. i dont think ive covered enough for the times i actually study. its wednesday ald!! and the times i really study are like 11-3am, 7-10am, and in the afternoon, 4-6pm. if im not out tt is. out as in taking a nap or running on errands:P

sometimes i hate posting in english when im mad. go read my other blogs. the ones at twitter, tumblr, and other blogger. apparently im in a pms mood. so if u wanna see my mean side, go search and read. hints: can click on the side bar, see my profile, it'll bring u to my other blogs.

crap happens

this is the official explanation from RP about the red tee girl that EVERYONE talks about. please. don't spread her pics anymore. not everyone is as clever as you.

Dear readers,

I refer to your posting entitled, "Poly girl poses topless with BF & posts pics on blog".

We are aware and grateful of your concern to the victim whose pictures were posted on public websites without permission.

The Polytechnic would like to clarify that the pictures were first posted onto a password-protected private blog. The student is a victim of a prank which resulted in the leaked pictures being posted online. We are helping the female student investigate the source of the leak.

The student is deeply traumatised by this whole episode, and is currently undergoing counselling. Our disciplinary team has started their investigation and action will be taken if a culprit is found.

All students have been asked to exercise extreme caution when posting pictures and information online.

We appeal to your goodwill and compassion - and humbly request that you remove this post and photos from your site - so as not to add to her agony.

For any clarification, please contact help-OCC@rp.sg.

Thanking you in anticipation.

Office of Corporate Communications

Republic Polytechnic

i might sound super serious here. only because i understand the act fully. as if you weren't once young and stupid. stop being so naive and hypocritical. i hate liars and bimbos to themselves.

2nd post of 2010

heyho~

i feel wierd updating now. hahas.

but better now than never right.

only 2 thoughts of the day.

1) People in general can get really selfish and hypocritical. so you think you're so perfect. when was the last time you looked in the mirror and see yourself. really. not just the outer layer. the one you might think is perfect or a lil fat in some places or a lil ugly on others. cos honestly, i dont think god's with you. whatever you think you're thankful to is not god. its yourself. the effing flirty whore that you are. i wish you live long...so long that you get to live through hari kiamat. biatch.

2) life can be sooooooooooooooooo over-rated. or to be precise, the materialism people work so hard for is over-rated. what happened to the raw passions of doing something cos you want to do it. cos it makes you happy and content. you don't have to win all the time. playing the game sets you apart from the rest already. and seriously, life doesn't ask for the end result. so many people miss the point on experiencing the actual journey cos they are TOO EFFING FOCUSED on the end result. i can't believe you still don't get it. u wanna get to the end fast. and when you reach it, you ask yourself, "now what?". in my own words, "MEREPEKKKSSSS!"

fireworks of LIFE=D

hey:)

im smiling now as im typing this so u noe wat that means right?

yeap. im back!~ lols!

like seriously. im focused again. whole again. after that time off. the 10 hours bus rides, the freaking cold wakeup call in a 10 degress celcius hotel room, the 10 fireworks at the strike of 12 for 2010.

if u noe, u noe. if u don't, well... don't ask. i skipped 2 official days of school. wed, missed CMA and thurs missed fashion fieldtrip & busking @ haji lane. and friday's samba prac. cos the bus slow!~

OUH! since im in the mood.

i shall update my to-do list for 2010. it was made on the 17th dec 2009. maal hijrah night while otw back from silat camp & handover bbq.

1. NOT to join anymore long-term commitments. i have 3 already right now; QHJ, Sambateria & 2 Silat grps (which i consider separate)
2. have more outings with my babies. susah sangat nak jumpe. asik busy jer~~
3. better GPA. at least 3.3. that wont even get me to uni. but i have to be REALISTIC.
4. better pesilat. that means better physique. lari takmo pancet, tendang mesti power, etc.
5. better daughter. i love my parents. truly. though they make it so hard to do so.
6. better sister. to all my sisters and brothers. both by blood and by heart.
7. saying "i love you" and "imy" more often. i need to spare time for important things like this.
8. better health. meaning, better diet, lesser doc visits; for both internal sickness and physical pain. my body needs the rest seh. i can't put so much on my body and expect it to not wear & tear. if i can care that much for my agogo & lappie, i can do much more for my perfect body.
9. better student. i have to stop giving my teachers false hope that i would do well. i need to prove to them my abilities as a student, class rep and one of the few regulars at ngaji.
10. better time management. and i believe this can be done by making the best choices instead of the cliché which goes by prioritizing. its not all that true u noe. u have to be in the moment to understand what i mean ah seriously.

im not gonna recap my life. i may recap my mistakes in future posts cos i believe only by remembering your mistakes can you know what went wrong and how to prevent it. i believe in this very life of mine, ive done everything i wanted and could. no regrets. and there's very few stuff i want more. notice in the 10 items above, mostly its just being better and doing something more often. not about doing something new. the other new stuff that i havent done before, like clubbing or having one night stand, i REALLY dont wanna do. not cos i cant.

during the getaway with my family, i realised something HUGE. my mum. my older bro. really hate the life im leading. not for my sake. its cos they couldnt have lead it. cos both of them want something in their future life and soon they forget to live in the moment. i dont think they're jealous (which is a huge possibility) but cos they are too busy working for something they couldnt be sure of yet. sure saving up and working hard is important but you cannot forget u live now. not later. you can die tmr and then wat happens? all the stuff you've worked for? wouldnt it be better if youre happy doing wat you do now, while working towards a future, a future u determine. a future you structure with your own efforts & then remembering the joys along the way? sure im a peanut or even worse, a bud of a greenhorn but i guess its one lesson in happiness that i need to spread around.

as i said before, "usually the best memories are only for that moment. it can't be relived or replayed. only treasured and remembered. its what makes it the best. if not, its just your life; things you do to exist. not live." - 31 dec 2009

as the TV1 newscaster always say, "pikir2kan lah~"

2 week no shut off day

tday is officially the end of my hols. padahal2. but that's for me to know. & for NO ONE ELSE to kpo=)

status update jap: im still in a crush. dun blame me if im in a hyper giggling mode.

& im currently emoing. so here's stealing ur penny for my thoughts:

last time i used to be cute. really cute.
really ugly but adorable.

now. im just ugly.
ugly AND fat. i think the minah rep took away my cuteness.

but then again, i would rather live with the minah rep than the useless cuteness.
like when im down, and alone in the slumps, no measure of cuteness will help. trust me, the kitten did not become a cat by being cute. oh so now i speak kittens. besides fishes huh? and zat, idk how i know, but fishes really rilek one corner in the middle of the afternoon. like come on, its already so damn hot, why go out rite?

another weird thought also came up as i was like surfing the net, (which btw means kpoing thru ppls fb and blogs) when i was actually supposed to be searching for other investments (besides bonds, fds and shares; which im sure u dowan to know, but hell, its my core subject project; so yah~)

why am i so jealous of other people's life. like my life isn't good enough. like im any lesser than them. sure, im no idol like sylvia, who btw is gonna win tday, and im no ustazah or a partying slut, which btw is the opposite ends of some life i don wanna lead, but yeah. i dunno if im making sense to u reading this but after staring at my 21 years old ceiling for 2 hours, too bored to do anything, but too tired to sleep, my brain has stopped working, and all that's left is my guts. yeah, its the one typing now. ass.

you might think im some loser bitch, or even some pathetic soul typing out her rants. but wait till its ur turn. do u tink i LIKE being in this position? IT SUX! & im supposed to be the strong minah rep, pesilat, cheerleader, samba agogo livewire here. but no. tday, i HAD to be the devil's incarnate all over again. the last time i was like this i was in sec sch. emoing shit days. when i lose my sense of direction even more than i lose my sight. which btw, is very often, cos i had to change specs EVERY YEAR. stop it sak. patutlah degrees tak leh angs.

ill stop it here. right now. dah perangai tak mo macam belum sunat ah. merepek sak. im gonna go type out my report now. before people start chasing after it again. deadline in 1 official day.

OUH I WANTED TO UPDATE! ::
my life been super busy. imagine, i have to plan make up lessons! cos im gonna busy on the other days. and im gonna skip FASHION dis week. rabak seh. but i have no other choice. for my family's sake. and for myself too. i need this break more than i care to know. just for me. not for my passion. not for some stupid shit ive dunk myself into cos i thought itll be a good experience for me. not for some idiotic club i joined cos i thought it wont have politics and itll be fun. not for some rewards in the end. not for some handsome strangers. not for some problemetic teenagers. not for anyone else, besides, nisa, god, siti and khairun, the one i need to find the most right now. please come back. ur making me worried sick please!~

& at the end of all of this, im no longer the short & ugly & fat minah. thanks eh.

random thought

somehow blisters from playing surdos hurt alot. like really. ALOT.

now i know how haiqal feels ALL the TIME!!~ dang~!