Risen from the dead

There was once upon a time, where we all wonder what life will be if we didn't make that one mistake or that one life-changing decision which has thus affected the rest of our lives since. That was what i was, what i did to drown myself in utter self-misery and helplessness. I didn't wish to get out, didn't wish to move, and i kept on holding on to lost hope that maybe, one day, when i wake up, all of those were just some gruesome nightmare instead of a living memory. I kept on hoping i will wake up to my happily ever after. I kept on hoping that maybe life didn't happen and i was still wrapped up in my dreams of a beautiful reality.


POP!


That was exactly how my bubbles of baseless expectations and useless imaginations were burst. It wasn't as if I didn't see it coming. I knew being happy for so long was too good to be true for me. Welcome 2014. 4 years it has been and it seems it was all for nothing. When you believe in one person more than yourself, when you forget the Creator while being with the creation, it was as it's meant to be. At this point, i admit, i'm still in denial. A hypocrite against myself. But i still thank God for all that He has given me. Maybe this pain was necessary to make me learn. Maybe this pain was meant to bring me back here, and remember how i was and it wouldn't hurt so much because now i'm back on earth after living too long in the clouds. God knows my struggles, how much I've given and fought for others, and always holding back for myself... Because somehow, even after all these lessons and pains, I am who I am and I can't seem to stop. I'm not naive and stupid. I'm just human. I didn't see the need to dwell on all that I've done. I have angels on my left and right shoulders to do that for me. I have Allah to remember for me. I have Nabi Muhammad saw to remind me, it's ok to be me. And in fact to do even more good now more than ever because my time here will not be long anymore. I've tasted too much pains in my young life, I've seen too much in the years I could still count with my fingers. Yet maybe somehow all of these was already written in the book and stars for me. Maybe my happiness isn't meant to be on earth, for it is hell for the believers, and a painful prison, the daily tortures are all meant to keep you away from the real hell if only you believe and be patient. For surely, Allah is with the patient. And you'll never be tested beyond what you can handle.

My arrogance in this pathetic world has made me linger in dreams not meant for me. My confidence that maybe there is a slice of joy leftover for me in this current life has made me forget what i was meant for in the hereafter.

Dear God, I don't want to die yet, not without you forgiving all my sins, not without you giving me chances to makeup for all my careless forgetting the only Creator who never forgets any of His creations. Dear God please guide me through this corrosive and filthy life and keep me cleansed of all my worries and miseries. Dear God please keep all my loved ones safe even when i can't. Please help them remember you so I won't be alone anymore in the hereafter; I've had enough of that here Ya Rahim. Ya zal jalali wal ikram, keep us within the shelter of Your mercy and Your love, keep us close to You and don't let anyone take us away from You and Your Light.

In 2013, i lost my health, some parts of my body, my wallet, my position, my school, my workplace, my second home and family, and most recently, my love. It felt like the whole world came crashing down on me. And i turned to the only one who understands 'cause He put me in that position so I would remember who I am and let go of anything else pertaining to this world because in the end, it doesn't even matter. He made me remember, I didn't have to carry all these burdens with me anymore. He made me realize, in my arrogance and ignorance, how much I didn't care about things I should have long ago addressed.

Despite all, I am so thankful being back where I am now. I've always learnt about life the hard way. Now i've learnt about love too.


And to love, it means to do so whole heartedly, sincerely. It means to do so, even if you have no more heart left, or what is left is just broken pieces you can barely find to glue it back together. It means to give, without hoping or even thinking about getting anything back in return. It's a little bit like shouting in space; the vacuum might not feel anything from what you did, but at least, inside, you will feel that little bit of happiness, just by giving.



Love.


Life is precious; don't waste it drowning in feelings of regret, anger and shame. It may not matter in the end, but now's not the end yet is it? So just make the best of it, and believe Allah always wants the best for you, even if you don't see it yet. We humans are always so judgmental and calculative, we forget that being kind and loving with all that you have will make all the difference in the world. And i just want to make this world a little nicer to live in when i'm gone... So let it be even if I can't be happy. This life isn't meant for me to be happy.