this is a reminder post for myself. so i won't forget:

Projects to get done ASAP:

1) CRA

2) SAPM

3) EBSK

4) Silat Vid & PICS compilation!

5) Socio indiv essay

6) Socio movie grp

7) home renoV

&& i failed 2 core modules for midsems. so end sems... here i come!

currently, my status is screwed. i keep asking myself the same question and i end up at the same exact thing.

idk if its due to my refusal to change or due to the fact that i've finally found something i'm really in love in and would just want to stick by it. cos honestly, i cant imagine myself without sambateria. without tpsilat & asad. without my family and friends. esp those random friends who've suddenly become the reason i'm here, my sisters. idk if the fact that i keep giving excuses to VE is because i hate the fact i have to grow up or because i really can't see myself having a career in sales. idk what really want to pursue in life. why do i feel the pressure from the world, when i wanna do is stop time, like what Mika said. why don't i want the success i've seen so many attain. i noe i can do it. and then i hear the leaders' perceptions of failures. and i'm the exact person they're describing. i'm the biggest one. not cos im slow. cos im not moving. not improving. not doing anything.

when i have CRA project to complete. and SAPM. god, i don't even know what i'm supposed to do for SAPM. and not forgetting the socio assignments. and BTM & taz.

then this weekend. i have 3 talks to go to. 1 at 9am, NIE (i dont even noe where to go) abt YOG village officer, cos i missed yesterday's one (cos nvr check mail), 1 abt drugs cos mum enrolled me in it, another at office on sat 2pm, but i guess i'm skipping the later cos i'll be having band prac at wickeds' at 1.30. then there's the BIG PSK@jurong at 2. i just hope ASAD's timing is delayed to sunday. cos i dun tink i can travel to jurong in less than 1hr. nasib im not playing for sunday. if not how? then there's the upcoming drumzout and kompang cum wedding perf. mak kau! the trainings blambak nak mampos, aku tak tau leh angs ke tak, and tpsilat's perf @ heritage ctr for YOG (without abg syah to guide us! god help us) and there's the village officer thing for a week (prays it doesn't clash) and there's VE.

so u see my options here? im left with less than a motnh of sch b4 its break again due to yog, and in that time, i'll have an upcoming exam oso. cam mane ni. i need to set my priorities right. and i noe i can't have it all. to have it all is to have myself cut up into 5 pieces and placed at that very point in time in 5 completely diff situations. cam ne nak hidop beb!

but that's not the worst part. the worst is not being able to choose. and letting myself being guided by people who doesnt have my best interest at heart. yes u might say whatever ure doing is to push me, so i can reach greater heights, but what if i tell u now, im not ready to go up. i wanns be on top. but right now, that's not my main priority.

you know what hurts the most? when u've allowed it to come too close. now it feels like a durian. u love it, but its killing u. im tired of hearing hold on ct. dont worry ct. dont stress ct. i know, thinking bout it wont solve a freaking thing. everything needs actions. & then im caught up with myself...what other thing am i lacking? what it is that is missing? i've asked myself this, countless times. i noe where i need to go. & im loving the journey throughout. but why do i still feel all these insecurities? why do i take initiative? why do i even bother when the rest wont even care? cos i cant help it. pasal ct cant help loving them so much. korang tau tak brape syg ct kat korang? when i see everyone graduating, i kept thinking, when i grad, THIS would be the biggest reason why i'd hate to leave. throughout my entire journey, up till now, i've learned so much. and there's still alot more to go. i noe im nowhere near as good as the others, i noe who i am. sape lah ct kan? ppl wont even remember my contributions when im gone. i could just bet on it. but i just cant leave. esp not when the phrase," Success seems to be largely a matter of hanging on after others have let go" keep repeating itself in my brain. & i had a weird thought yesterday... i could actually win IVP...esp when so many wouldn't join IVP what with persisi organizing it and all that politics. its true. ive said it before. i joined silat and continued being in it cos its one of the few ccas tt wont press politics on u, but suddenly when it really hits me. im stunned. i guess tts what those tears were for. cos i wanted so badly for us to be the awesome united committee, i didnt realise my errs tt lead to what we are nw. i sorry. i regret it. ill make up for it i swear. tmr. cos im just too tired tday. tired of being bashed up. tired of being pulled about cos we had to suck some persons balls to get the stuff we couldnt get. here's the part where i say, having loads of money would really help in life a bit, but i guess even tt we have to earn huh? but he's not in the wrong. it shouldnt be in this lose-lose situation we're in now. but i guess stratification is too much to ask for rite?

i still cant believe all i ever wanted for people to be happy. cos nw i realize people, have really selfish intentions, really sick minds. really bad realities i shouldnt have known. i wasnt supposed to know, but now tt i do, i still cant understand where this hope comes from.

i read something inspiring just now:

faith makes everything possible, hope makes everything brighter, love makes everything easier.

[the inspirational quote frm ms christine's desk]

&& this song just explained my day tday:

Im not the same person I used to be
Im moving on
Its just me

Do you remember?
When you told me that
Id never be good enough for anyone
That I wasnt worth your time
Your energy

And why did I listen then
Why didnt I stand up for myself
But you made me believe
That I was on the road to nowhere
To nowhere

And Ohh
I was listening for way to long
I should of known Im way to strong
To let you just lead me on
Lead me on

And Ohh
I was traveling on that road to long
Just trying to find my way back home
The old me's dead and gone
Dead and gone

I been thinking about all that weve been through
Every place that you and me went to
Thinking back home
Stupid little memories
Thinking bout the times that my heart felt empty
Wait
That was all the time
Cuz we just weren't fine
We fake it
A true friend stabs you in the front so tell me why my back is aching
You cant say
You just joke
Aint anything
Then theres your rope
Dang whats in front better work for you
Hooked up and you got me at your game
Burn every rib but you still see the smoke
Try to get across but you sank every boat
You can smoke every day of your life
But when I'm on the mic imma be more dope

And ohh
I was listening for way to long
I should of known Im way to strong
To let you just lead me on
Lead me on

So you could love me for who I am
Or hate me for who you think I am
But the old me's dead and gone
Im moving on now

Ohh
Ohhh
Umm
Old me's dead and gone
Dead and gone
Ohh

dead & gone - travis NLT

i love every women, ladies & girls in my life:)

they're beautiful the way they are. esp my mum. happy mother's day ma.

on a side note,

ira & amalina, you babes are beautiful. & even more with tudung on!^^

nadiah, i admire how you live your life. it's like a fairytale i want to be on too. i love how helpful, organised & hardworking you are, how u're like the princess in that fairytale. i hope your prince, mcdreamy comes soon, and realise what a treasure you are princess.

nabby, you're stronger than u noe beb. dang, even i am jealous.

alfiah, elf love, you're wiser than your years beb, & it's frm you i've known Allah's love.

ain, you're the most passionate person alive, your commitment is something i've learnt frm:)

nisa, you're very brave. it's frm your experiences that ive gained an insight frm a life i wouldnt have known without you:)

&& last but not least...

to farhanah, thank you for everything. thank you for being who you are. thank you for showing me perfection. thank you for showing me one of Allah's greatest creation... sisterhood. thank you for filling up the holes in my life, the question marks, the scratches i get frm the roadside of life.

confusion

the world needs no more hatred. no more complaints. no more upset, disappointment, regrets.

trust me... doing all of those, leads to nothing. it doesn't even make u feel that tweeny bit better. sometimes, we do things without thinking about consequences. without sparing a thought for others. sometimes, when we were that selfish, we end up learning, we're left with nothing. no satisfaction from hurting others. no contentment from what evil we've done.

our perception and senses may not be accurate. what we see depends on what we're looking out for ~ john lubbock

prejudice are born from uncertainty, fear of the unknown. Stereotyping prevents you from allowing others to feel accepted and living up to their fullest potential.

my final words to all my beloved, be it acquaintance, friends. my sisters. my family.

put yourself in another's shoes, treat others as you want to be treated. it's because we're different, we have different perspectives. but no matter how apart we are, we must accept that we are born into the society we live in now. our family is our biggest society. family by blood, by bond, by experience, by life. the family which bred us to be who we are.

friends come and go. and honestly, i wouldn't wanna let a temporary change me. temporaries like crushes, like stalkers, like haters or people who'd really wanna bring you down, cos they can.

so if you see as imperfect, maybe it's about time you try looking out for other qualities within me, those you might have heard about, but never got to experience for yourself.