Risen from the dead

There was once upon a time, where we all wonder what life will be if we didn't make that one mistake or that one life-changing decision which has thus affected the rest of our lives since. That was what i was, what i did to drown myself in utter self-misery and helplessness. I didn't wish to get out, didn't wish to move, and i kept on holding on to lost hope that maybe, one day, when i wake up, all of those were just some gruesome nightmare instead of a living memory. I kept on hoping i will wake up to my happily ever after. I kept on hoping that maybe life didn't happen and i was still wrapped up in my dreams of a beautiful reality.


POP!


That was exactly how my bubbles of baseless expectations and useless imaginations were burst. It wasn't as if I didn't see it coming. I knew being happy for so long was too good to be true for me. Welcome 2014. 4 years it has been and it seems it was all for nothing. When you believe in one person more than yourself, when you forget the Creator while being with the creation, it was as it's meant to be. At this point, i admit, i'm still in denial. A hypocrite against myself. But i still thank God for all that He has given me. Maybe this pain was necessary to make me learn. Maybe this pain was meant to bring me back here, and remember how i was and it wouldn't hurt so much because now i'm back on earth after living too long in the clouds. God knows my struggles, how much I've given and fought for others, and always holding back for myself... Because somehow, even after all these lessons and pains, I am who I am and I can't seem to stop. I'm not naive and stupid. I'm just human. I didn't see the need to dwell on all that I've done. I have angels on my left and right shoulders to do that for me. I have Allah to remember for me. I have Nabi Muhammad saw to remind me, it's ok to be me. And in fact to do even more good now more than ever because my time here will not be long anymore. I've tasted too much pains in my young life, I've seen too much in the years I could still count with my fingers. Yet maybe somehow all of these was already written in the book and stars for me. Maybe my happiness isn't meant to be on earth, for it is hell for the believers, and a painful prison, the daily tortures are all meant to keep you away from the real hell if only you believe and be patient. For surely, Allah is with the patient. And you'll never be tested beyond what you can handle.

My arrogance in this pathetic world has made me linger in dreams not meant for me. My confidence that maybe there is a slice of joy leftover for me in this current life has made me forget what i was meant for in the hereafter.

Dear God, I don't want to die yet, not without you forgiving all my sins, not without you giving me chances to makeup for all my careless forgetting the only Creator who never forgets any of His creations. Dear God please guide me through this corrosive and filthy life and keep me cleansed of all my worries and miseries. Dear God please keep all my loved ones safe even when i can't. Please help them remember you so I won't be alone anymore in the hereafter; I've had enough of that here Ya Rahim. Ya zal jalali wal ikram, keep us within the shelter of Your mercy and Your love, keep us close to You and don't let anyone take us away from You and Your Light.

In 2013, i lost my health, some parts of my body, my wallet, my position, my school, my workplace, my second home and family, and most recently, my love. It felt like the whole world came crashing down on me. And i turned to the only one who understands 'cause He put me in that position so I would remember who I am and let go of anything else pertaining to this world because in the end, it doesn't even matter. He made me remember, I didn't have to carry all these burdens with me anymore. He made me realize, in my arrogance and ignorance, how much I didn't care about things I should have long ago addressed.

Despite all, I am so thankful being back where I am now. I've always learnt about life the hard way. Now i've learnt about love too.


And to love, it means to do so whole heartedly, sincerely. It means to do so, even if you have no more heart left, or what is left is just broken pieces you can barely find to glue it back together. It means to give, without hoping or even thinking about getting anything back in return. It's a little bit like shouting in space; the vacuum might not feel anything from what you did, but at least, inside, you will feel that little bit of happiness, just by giving.



Love.


Life is precious; don't waste it drowning in feelings of regret, anger and shame. It may not matter in the end, but now's not the end yet is it? So just make the best of it, and believe Allah always wants the best for you, even if you don't see it yet. We humans are always so judgmental and calculative, we forget that being kind and loving with all that you have will make all the difference in the world. And i just want to make this world a little nicer to live in when i'm gone... So let it be even if I can't be happy. This life isn't meant for me to be happy.

sometimes, in the dead of the night i cry.

cry cos of the life i'm choosing. cry cos my grandma is lonely and it reminds me of me. cry cos i'm tired of being who i've become, the person who everyone depends on. who am i going to depend on? i don't think i'm able to. sometimes, i just feel like dropping everything, see how the world function without me once in a while. see if i'm missed. see if i had actually made an impact in anyone's life. cos honestly, after being the "slave", i think i deserve some slack. i deserve to be acknowledged. i deserve to be treated like the captain. cos god only noe even the captain depend on me. but no. tts not gonna happen. at least not in this lifetime. oh god, sesungguhnya aku lakukan ini semue kerana mu ya allah. niat ku hanya untuk menempah tempat di syurga mu. aku mohon ya allah. give me the strength to pull through, even if its gonna be without feeling, without anything in for me. give the power to hold myself up while striving to push everyone on top too. sesungguhnya diriku solehah ya allah.

i don't know if you've noticed, but i'm usually very lonely.

i know its because most of my friends are busy and not around. i understand. it's because i do i'm here now.

and i don't have the cliques or bffs to hang around with. not like most. i noe. i'm sad like that. but its the few who's around tt have had my respect pinning for them. its because of them, i continue, pushing. its because of them, i have the will to pull another day thru. cos i noe, ill see them, and my world is brighter. i noe wif them, they noe, they understand, who i am. who ill always be.

i would sometimes think of the other alternatives, where i won't be happy nor sad. where there'll be constant stress to exceed what i have. and i'm glad. bersyukur YA ALLAH. this is my place. there's a purpose for me. no matter tt no one noe my function, i noe the reason im here. i noe ive helped. tts enough for me. tts all i ever wanted. at least i noe, ive kept myself intact, if not stronger. im perfect being who i am. && for that, i glad this is my life. no matter the hardships, i noe at the end of the day, im content. i'd die being tt happy person. thank god.

hurts

sometimes, there's this thing which constantly gnaws at you, but u're afraid to kill it fearing it'll come back to haunt you, cos u noe u arent perfect urself.

what am i talking about? the fact i can't stand any of my friends sinning and im not doing anything about it. cos im not fearless.

i hate it. being the by-stander of khalwat. yeah sure, ur not fucking in front of me, but the stuffs u do, equates to whatever. and u noe wats the worst part, ur supposed to be the religious ones but u dont even see the fucking huge iblis by ur side. so go, have fun. don't ask when u dont get the joke.

noe what else i despise? hypocrites and lazy assholes. i can take stupid jerks but lazy assholes? they just throw the whole load of blame on u after leaving everything that has to be done on ur fucking head. u tink only u got life is it? ye lah... sape lah siti kan. she's nothing. maybe its about time i leave everything on ur fucking small dick and see how u handle it. u can fucking sweet talk ur way out of a messy situation cos uve got humor as ur 2nd skin but seriously, what the fuck makes u tink i'll EVER treat u with a fucking respect when uve done NOTHING to deserve it. ur a fucking lazy asshole. even ur motherfuckers cant help u. cos u dont see the problem. u dont see the reason why so many are giving up. not on us. but on u. cos ur not doing a fucking thing, to even SEE there's a problem. ur not lifting a fucking finger to help out. all u noe, is hide behind some bitch. and when u cant do that, u find another. im not ur motherfucking bitch asshole. get a fucking life. and the faster u see im not ur ordinary, yes, boss, sure i'll help u bitch, the faster ull see ur NOT the boss arnd. unless ur fucking blind or maybe ur 4 eyebrows arent helping u see, this fucking grp isnt moving. we get something, it ripped away frm us. cos uve decided to suck some arse's ball. since ur on such gd terms right, so much so he can just skip the fact u didnt answer his qns abt the "brilliant ideas" ur supposed to have, why not, run the whole grp urself. ur THAT capable rite. surely this things, "perkare kecik je kan...takyah nangis". BUTO.

i hate being treated like a joke. cos ppl dont noe what ive done. cos i dont pride myself to tell the whole world the sacrifices ive gone thru to make this a nicer place for others. and what do i get in return? people taking adv of it. "oh, kau rase ni senang kan, kau buat ah," BABI. fuck off. i had to LEARN THRU THE HARD WAY. tts why is fucking easy now. for u, ull forever be ignorant. and guess wat, in the end, i tink u deserve every bit of ur life now. not cos i tink uve suffered in the past to be enjoying ur "fruits of labour" now, but cos u suck frm last time till now and only i see it and u deserve ur life now cos ur collecting dose. dose which uve made out for urself. dose which u deserve. sure, i'll always pray to god to open ur motherfucking mini eyes but for now, u deserve being sent to hell. fucking jerk.

this is a reminder post for myself. so i won't forget:

Projects to get done ASAP:

1) CRA

2) SAPM

3) EBSK

4) Silat Vid & PICS compilation!

5) Socio indiv essay

6) Socio movie grp

7) home renoV

&& i failed 2 core modules for midsems. so end sems... here i come!

currently, my status is screwed. i keep asking myself the same question and i end up at the same exact thing.

idk if its due to my refusal to change or due to the fact that i've finally found something i'm really in love in and would just want to stick by it. cos honestly, i cant imagine myself without sambateria. without tpsilat & asad. without my family and friends. esp those random friends who've suddenly become the reason i'm here, my sisters. idk if the fact that i keep giving excuses to VE is because i hate the fact i have to grow up or because i really can't see myself having a career in sales. idk what really want to pursue in life. why do i feel the pressure from the world, when i wanna do is stop time, like what Mika said. why don't i want the success i've seen so many attain. i noe i can do it. and then i hear the leaders' perceptions of failures. and i'm the exact person they're describing. i'm the biggest one. not cos im slow. cos im not moving. not improving. not doing anything.

when i have CRA project to complete. and SAPM. god, i don't even know what i'm supposed to do for SAPM. and not forgetting the socio assignments. and BTM & taz.

then this weekend. i have 3 talks to go to. 1 at 9am, NIE (i dont even noe where to go) abt YOG village officer, cos i missed yesterday's one (cos nvr check mail), 1 abt drugs cos mum enrolled me in it, another at office on sat 2pm, but i guess i'm skipping the later cos i'll be having band prac at wickeds' at 1.30. then there's the BIG PSK@jurong at 2. i just hope ASAD's timing is delayed to sunday. cos i dun tink i can travel to jurong in less than 1hr. nasib im not playing for sunday. if not how? then there's the upcoming drumzout and kompang cum wedding perf. mak kau! the trainings blambak nak mampos, aku tak tau leh angs ke tak, and tpsilat's perf @ heritage ctr for YOG (without abg syah to guide us! god help us) and there's the village officer thing for a week (prays it doesn't clash) and there's VE.

so u see my options here? im left with less than a motnh of sch b4 its break again due to yog, and in that time, i'll have an upcoming exam oso. cam mane ni. i need to set my priorities right. and i noe i can't have it all. to have it all is to have myself cut up into 5 pieces and placed at that very point in time in 5 completely diff situations. cam ne nak hidop beb!

but that's not the worst part. the worst is not being able to choose. and letting myself being guided by people who doesnt have my best interest at heart. yes u might say whatever ure doing is to push me, so i can reach greater heights, but what if i tell u now, im not ready to go up. i wanns be on top. but right now, that's not my main priority.